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Hey Mom, Stand Up for Yourself!

Three ways to renegotiate your life

By Elizabeth Weiss McGolerick

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Not getting what you want from your boss? Babysitter? Spouse? Here's how to renegotiate what you need in life, and set a good example for the little ones who are watching your every move.

If you're on a slow boil because your boss could care less about your family responsibilities, your babysitter keeps cancelling at the last minute or your husband hasn't changed a diaper in weeks, it's time to renegotiate what you want out of life. You're a mom – not a martyr.

Find your voice

Exhausted and overwhelmed, busy moms sometimes "suck it up" because it's easier to keep peace than confront an injustice or irritation. Buying into this kind of mentality, however, is one of the unhealthiest habits you can adopt.

"If problems don't get resolved, they persist and, in most instances, get worse – potentially creating resentment for all parties involved," says Steve Gavatorta, a communication and personal development expert and author of The Reach Out Approach.

"When a problem occurs, it must be addressed immediately and in a tactful manner so it doesn't fester and create deeper animosities," he says. This isn't an excuse to get nasty, however – a bad attitude is even less effective than saying nothing at all. "Get the facts and approach the situation in a patient, calm and logical manner," Gavatorta says. This sets the stage for an open conversation rather than a one-sided lecture.

Give yourself credit

As a mom, you take care of at least one child every day while juggling any combination of other responsibilities including your partner, a job, a house, or the care of other family members. You are one tough cookie – but do you give yourself enough credit?

"One of the most important things someone can do is take inventory, define their strengths and leverage those strengths to their benefit," says Gavatorta. "Once people understand what they bring to the table, their confidence increases and allows them to better connect with others."

Reinforcing your worth is incredibly helpful when the time comes to negotiate a raise, revise the household chore list or fire a beloved caregiver. "People get intimidated by others. However, when you learn your strengths, you see your worth in every relationship and opinion," says Gavatorta.

Have an action plan

Step back and get some clarity about whatever it is that's eating away at you. Ensure that you're absolutely certain about what you want in life – not what you think you want or what someone else says you want. "When this is not clearly identified, people 'fold' in a negotiation," says Gavatorta. Strength in your convictions will minimize risk and fear of change and help you achieve what you truly desire.

Once you've decided what you want, set a series of smaller goals until you reach the ultimate goal. "This will build confidence and allow you to make adjustments where needed," Gavatorta explains. Remember, you can't change everything at once.

Finally, "Have a strong support system of people, books or affirmations to keep you on track," Gavatorta suggests. "This foundation can keep you focused and motivated when adversity strikes."

Your kids are watching

As a mom, you're a role model – whether you like it or not, your child is watching what you do and absorbing your behavior. "If a child sees their parent respond to adversity with anger and impatience, it's highly likely the child will learn to deal with adversity in the same manner," says Gavatorta.

You have an example to set as a mother, and you want your child to believe in their own strength and self-worth – start with yourself and the rest will follow.

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