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Parentpedia
Need for Independence
What Experts Say
Every year of your child's life, new questions arise: Should you let her walk to the park alone? Can he be trusted with a cell phone? When is an older sibling responsible enough to babysit your younger child?
For most of these questions -- especially the ones that pop up on the spur of the moment -- you're going to have to trust your instincts. After all, no one knows your child as well as you do. However, there are some basic rules of thumb that can make these decisions easier.
According to Ariel Gore, author of the "Hip Mama" parenting books and newsletters, independence questions are closely tied to trust. Let your child know that you trust him -- and that you expect him to live up to that...
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I think as parents we need to be careful about how we dole out permission for independence. The author may only be half-serious when writing, "let them mow the lawn on Saturday" to earn independence, but it raises a good point. If we send the message to our children that independence is something that can be given and taken away at a parent's whim, and not a right for them, it may foster resentment in them.
This is not to say that a parent doesn't still have the right to, say, ground a child (thereby temporarily taking away their independence), but a child's right - and need - to tread into a world in which they have more dependence should be based on their ability or maturity. Anything else doesn't seem quite fair to me, and might not to them, either.
This is not to say that a parent doesn't still have the right to, say, ground a child (thereby temporarily taking away their independence), but a child's right - and need - to tread into a world in which they have more dependence should be based on their ability or maturity. Anything else doesn't seem quite fair to me, and might not to them, either.
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