Parentpedia

What Experts Say

The status-consciousness of today's kids has been the subject of endless media scrutiny, but that doesn't really help the parent in the trenches who's trying to decide where to draw the line. What do you do when you notice that your child is right -- she really is the only one at school without an iPod?

Start by reminding yourself to avoid competitive "Keep up with the Joneses" thinking -- just because "everyone" does something doesn't make it right. When your child begs for something -- whether it's a particular brand of jeans, a cell phone, or a car -- set the stage for the discussion by explaining that each family is different, and that you are going to make the decisions that are right for your family and aren't going to worry about what other families are doing.

Parents today have a harder time saying no to their kids when they want something because they are so afraid to disappoint them, says Harvard professor Dan Kindlon, author of "Too Much of a Good Thing." But actually, Kindlon says, learning to cope with disappointment is an important growth skill. "If a child is never sad or disappointed, they won't ever develop the psychological skills that are crucial for their future happiness," says Kindlon.

Talk to your child and make clear the line between things he needs (new sneakers, jeans that fit) and things he wants (a camera phone, a particular brand of shoes). Tell him that you'll make sure he has what he needs, but beyond that it's a process of negotiation. Many parents split the cost of luxury items 50/50 or ask the child to work off the cost with extra chores.