Advice History

Because of Columbine and Virginia Tech, it's a real fear that loners could be dangerous, which makes it seem like there's something desperately wrong with being a loner. If your teen is a loner, he could internalize these feelings and in addition to loneliness also feel shame and guilt for not being more outgoing.  While there are certainly loners on the edge, they are the extreme. Most teens who are loners are dealing with issues about identity that all teens face. Make sure your child knows that there's nothing "wrong with him" just because he has a hard time making friends or fitting into a group.   That said, loneliness and isolation at this age could really harm your teen in lasting ways well into adulthood. Consider having your teen see a professional -- for example, a counselor, preacher, or psychologist. The important thing is that he trusts this person. While we want to be able to solve all of our kids' problem, it could be helpful to your teen to have an objective person to talk to. A professional also has the advantage of helping your teen see a larger world, one beyond school and home, and that could help your teen see that there's life beyond what he's experiencing now and that things can and will change.

Everyone is interested in something. Even kids that seem like loners have certain things they like. Help your child develop their interests and help them find like minds who share the same interest. You may soon find that they come out of their shell when they are with people who understand them and appreciate the same things as they do. A word of caution, being a loner can often be linked to depression. This is a more serious matter than your child just being by themselves all the time. If you think your child is experiencing depression, get them help as soon as possible.