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Parentpedia
Loners
What Experts Say
Some of us are more extroverted, some introverted, but, in reality, everyone has a need for friends and companions. It can be hard for children to find their niche during adolescence when the focus is more on fitting in rather than on being an individual. Some kids are late to bloom and are more socially immature than their peers, while others seem years ahead of their time. Regardless, middle school and high school are difficult to navigate all alone, and kids can begin to feel invisible.
You can and should play a large role in providing social support for your child, and this is especially true if he is more of a "loner." Listen without judging, take a genuine interest in your child's ideas and feelings, and reflect the wonderful characteristics he possesses....
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Because of Columbine and Virginia Tech, it's a real fear that loners could be dangerous, which makes it seem like there's something desperately wrong with being a loner. If your teen is a loner, he could internalize these feelings and in addition to loneliness also feel shame and guilt for not being more outgoing. While there are certainly loners on the edge, they are the extreme. Most teens who are loners are dealing with issues about identity that all teens face. Make sure your child knows that there's nothing "wrong with him" just because he has a hard time making friends or fitting into a group. That said, loneliness and isolation at this age could really harm your teen in lasting ways well into adulthood. Consider having your teen see a professional -- for example, a counselor, preacher, or psychologist. The important thing is that he trusts this person. While we want to be able to solve all of our kids' problem, it could be helpful to your teen to have an objective person to talk to. A professional also has the advantage of helping your teen see a larger world, one beyond school and home, and that could help your teen see that there's life beyond what he's experiencing now and that things can and will change.
Everyone is interested in something. Even kids that seem like loners have certain things they like. Help your child develop their interests and help them find like minds who share the same interest. You may soon find that they come out of their shell when they are with people who understand them and appreciate the same things as they do. A word of caution, being a loner can often be linked to depression. This is a more serious matter than your child just being by themselves all the time. If you think your child is experiencing depression, get them help as soon as possible.
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