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My baby wasn?t perfect.
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My story about: Newborn Tests
lpcpbp's story
July 23, 2007
My son Luke will turn five next month and every year around his birthday I look back in wonder at the feelings and fears I had when he was born. Before he was born, I was sure he was perfect. (One of the doctors administering a sonogram said at one point, "Well, this baby doesn't have Down Syndrome, that's for sure.") So it didn't register when I saw my baby's almond-shaped eyes and flat brow that there could be something wrong with him-I just thought newborn babies were funnier-looking than I had realized. It wasn't until the next day, after I told everyone about our perfect little boy, that the pediatrician told me he thought our baby had Down Syndrome. My first reactions were disbelief quickly followed by shock and horror. I couldn?t move, think or talk. For the first time, I faced a difficult situation and didn't have the strength to bear it. Everything I had hoped for my life seemed gone. I honestly thought I wasn?t going to love my own child and wondered how I could spend the rest of my life taking care of someone I didn?t love. I told this to my husband and he set me straight, saying, ?Your problem isn?t going to be that you don?t love him, your problem is going to be that you love him too much.? He had known children with Down Syndrome so he knew that we would love and enjoy Luke. Since then I have had two healthy, typical children who I adore, but still I find that the love and joy I get from Luke is unique. No typical child or "normal" person has ever looked at me or loved me with the openness, sincerity and depth Luke does. And his giggle is pure mirth! Luke sees the best in me and brings it out. Looking back, I realize that my fears were based on ignorance and my pain was based on loss. I was sadder about not bringing home the baby I thought I was getting than about bringing home the baby I got. I was grieving for the perfect little boy I loved and lost. But the mom looking back knows what that new mom couldn't see: my baby was perfect after all.
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