Parentpedia

What Experts Say

Bonding -- which means forming a strong psychological and emotional attachment to your baby -- is different for every parent. Some women immediately feel bonded to their newborns. They count their baby's tiny fingers and toes and fall in love. One new mom explained that holding her baby for the first time was "like realizing someone was missing for my entire life, and here he was." But other moms, especially those who have had difficult labors, find that the connection to their new Mini-Me is not instantaneous and easy. Bonding for them is a process that takes several weeks, or even months.

Some of the experts who have written at length about baby bonding are Dr. William Sears, Penelope Leach, and Dr. Michael Odent. All three agree that in order for children to develop secure attachments and become emotionally healthy, they need to bond to their caregivers.

A 1996 study conducted by researchers in Sweden showed that human babies who are physically separated from their mothers at birth in the first 90 minutes of life show signs of distress and cry more than babies who are in physical contact with their mothers, suggesting that early bonding is critical to newborns.

A controversial study, published in the "Obstetrical and Gynecological Survey," suggests that birth complications combined with early maternal rejection predisposes children to commit violent crimes when they are teenagers.

But Dr. Sears, an advocate of attachment parenting -- a child-rearing philosophy that promotes responsiveness to babies' needs -- argues that humans are resilient and that bonding can also happen in the days, weeks, and months after birth.

Penelope Leach, Ph.D., explains that parents who do not feel anything akin to love for their newborn babies at first need to be patient with themselves. As their relationship with their child grows, the love bond will follow.

How to Bond With a Baby

• Skin-to-Skin. Dozens of studies have shown that skin-to-skin contact with a baby helps the baby grow and develop. It also helps the parents bond. So don't be shy about getting close with your tiny naked little one.
• Looking at Your Baby. Your newborn's eyes may seem out of focus but they can see just far enough to focus on your face. Babies look at human faces longer than any other object. Hold your baby and look at her, see if you can find features that resemble yours. The more you get to know her, the faster you will bond.
• Talking to Your Baby. Your newborn already recognizes the sound of your voice and will be comforted by hearing it. Talking to your baby as you care for her and get to know her will help you feel a stronger connection to her.
• Caring for Your Baby. The bonding process happens as you take care of your baby, diapering and feeding and comforting her.

Safety Note:

If you're feeling really disconnected from your baby and having trouble caring for her, you may be experiencing postpartum depression. While it's normal to have some baby blues, if you have any concerns about bonding or feel you might be a danger to your family, don't hesitate to seek help from a professional.