How to Nurture a Shy Child
Jerome Kagan, professor emeritus of psychology at Harvard University and co-author of The Long Shadow of Temperament: "Ask yourself, 'Is my child's shyness so extreme that his or her happiness is being compromised?' If that's the case, try inviting over a child who is not too dominant. When your child gets used to that playmate, invite two children over. It's the same thing you would do if you were afraid of the ocean. First you put your toe in, then your foot, and so on. It's the elimination of an initial fear response — and it works.
"I've been studying shyness for 30 years, and I've found that fewer than 15 percent of children who are excessively shy grow up to have social anxiety. Nine times out of 10, there's no need to worry."
Dee Costigan, teacher, Cloverdale Cooperative Nursery School, Florence, MA:"I don't think a shy child automatically means an unhappy child. A watchful child may be very comfortable taking in his surroundings and absorbing information. If I see a child looking like he'd like to play but is very shy, I might say, 'It looks like you're really interested in that game.' If he says no, maybe he just wants to watch. If he says yes, I might take him by the hand and walk over with him. If it's a child who is not going to initiate the conversation, I use the words and show him how. I say, 'This looks like fun! I'd really like to play this.' I was a shy child, so I try to remember how I wish someone had approached me when I was their age."
JoAnne Thompson, grandmother of five, Indian Wells, CA:"Two of our five grandchildren were very shy when they started preschool. It took about a year for one granddaughter, who was 3, to feel comfortable enough to interact. Her mother, my daughter, is quite outgoing, and she had a difficult time trying to understand it at first. She thought, 'Oh, something must be wrong.' I would tell her, 'Just let your child know she's accepted as she is, and don't make a big deal out of it.' Children need time to get used to their surroundings. This granddaughter is now 9, and she's not shy anymore. She's still cautious — that's just part of who she is. But being shy is not such a negative in my mind, especially at the age of 2, 3, or 4."
Member Comments On...
How to Nurture a Shy Child
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I have a child that is not so much shy, but he is timid amongst large groups of people. He has progressed in Daycare over the past 2 years, however, I still notice his behavior change as an area becomes more populated.I have learned that simply taking him on a quick time out alone with mom where we can play or sit a moment alone and he is just fine. I think it is best when we, as parents are able to find what is best for our children, not ourselves, the outcome is best for everyone. Tantrums are less and my child is not targeted as "bad" kid, he just needs time to breath when things get too busy. I really enjoyed all comments on this, as it was a big struggle for us and is nice to see there is support out there from parents enduring some of the same obstacles as we search for what is best for our children. Thanks to everyone that shares. It does take a village to raise a child...still. :)
Melanie Brisbin
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JoAnne, I appreciate your wisdom so much. The expression 'painfully shy' makes us all believe that shyness hurts,or is a problem, or a character defect. I like the term 'introverted' much better. Introverted children are often creative thinkers, dreamers, storytellers, sometimes even geniuses.
