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Getting Kids to Talk About School

By Jim Fay

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Find more about behavior, relationships, elementary

From the Disney Family Editors: Getting kids to talk about their day can be difficult. Maybe all they need is a little down time before sharing.

It's possible to have a pleasant and rewarding conversation with a youngster. It is even possible to get kids to talk about school and their lives instead of acting like our interest is some form of inquisition. Some simple, easy-to-learn, Love and Logic ideas and techniques can change our relationships with kids.

Consider this typical interchange between parent and child. Justin has just arrived home from school:

"Hi, Justin. How was school today?"
"Fine."
"What did you do at school today?"
"Nothin'."
"What did you learn that was new?"
"Nothin'."
"What are you going to do now that you're home?"
"Go to my room."
"What are you going to do there?"
"Nothin'."

What a sad situation. Here we have a parent trying to show interest in a child and facing nothing but frustration. We have a child who is acting like the parent's interest is an interrogation. The only thing Justin seems to have left out was, "I'm not saying anything without a lawyer."

30-minute Rule
Workdays are stressful for adults and for children. Even the best of days provide concentration and different demands on both body and mind. Many people need some time to unwind and wash away this stress. This is not a good time to try to deal with a new stress such as demands for conversation.

Many families have found a solution to this by instituting the 30-minute rule. The first 30 minutes when a family member returns home is for hanging out, relaxing around the family, snacks, etc. It is a time when no one is expected to answer questions about their day or their work.

This means that the following questions are forbidden:

"Where is your homework?"
"What happened at work today?"
"What did you do today?"

Remember How People Learn
Human beings learn best through modeling and experience. Kids are driven to learn how to be big. And this happens when they secretly watch their parents and copy their actions, behaviors, and beliefs. This is all proven when we grow up and find that we have adopted some of the behaviors that we hated in our parents.

Don't Question. Tell Instead
Your kids will model after you without even realizing it. Instead of asking about their day, talk about your day:

"Hi Justin. Guess what I got to do today?"
"What?"
"My boss let me do something brand new and I did a good job."
"What was that?"
"He let me be in charge of the office while he is out of town and I'm surprised that it was a nice change of pace for me. I get to do it for two more days and I'm really looking forward to it. I hope you had as good a day at school. How about some cookies while you wind down?"
"Gee, thanks, Mom."

It won't happen over night, but if you keep doing something like this each day, I guarantee that soon your child will say, "Guess what I did at school today?" And while you are waiting for that glorious day, your relationships with your kids will be better. Life with kids can be good. It's the Love and Logic way.

About the author: Jim Fay is president and cofounder of the Love and Logic Institute in Golden, Colorado, and coauthor of the best-selling book, Parenting with Love and Logic. For more information about Love and Logic parenting and teaching techniques, call 1-800-LUV-LOGIC or visit www.loveandlogic.com.