When siblings are close in age, let us say 15 months apart, they have difficulty forging separate identities. While they are not technically twins, they follow closely in each other's footsteps either basking in the glory of a sibling's academic achievement, jealous of his or her success, or seeking to hide any kinship with an underachiever/troublemaker. How close is too close in age at a time and place where a separate identity needs to be forged?
The Sensitivity of Twins It has been theorized that one's birth position predicts behavior. Stereotypically, the oldest is the responsible and mature child. The middle child is the one with the most problems. The youngest is the baby and happily adored. However, two siblings who are close in age and almost on the same developmental step, while they do not share the identical thoughts and feelings that form a mystical bond with twins, they do require the sensitivity of dealing with twins. Then add to this complex mixture -- school. At school this sibling rivalry is intensified by peer pressure. Even if the older sibling wants to hang out with his younger brother, his peer group might make fun of him.
What happens when the younger sibling is assigned to the same teachers? These teachers have amassed preconceived notions and they will exhibit either an overt or covert prejudice to the child, especially if there is a physical family resemblance. Growing up in the shadow of an older brother or sister at school where performance is graded, a child is likely to be labeled.
The Solution
This might not always be practical, but perhaps enrolling
children in different schools, at least for high school, might
create emotional and intellectual space for a sibling,
promoting his or her ability to develop separately. I did that
for my sons and they were five years apart! Although they
attended two high schools in different neighborhoods, one in
Brooklyn and the other in Long Island, they both made it to the
University of Pennsylvania in their own style. There was less
competition at home and more positive relations, "I'll teach
you about girls," and big brother talk like that. Even with all
this, my older son is definitely a tough act to follow.
If enrollment in two separate schools isn't an option, then parents should act as their children's advocate to create a school within a school. A visit to the teachers, the principal and the guidance department is in order. Issues need to be aired out with the staff; primarily feedback from the home front is crucial to an educator's scope of understanding for his student. "This child specifically needs?"
Sometimes the problem is minimal. Benna Golubtchik, a New York based educational specialist says, "even if siblings end up having the same teachers the following year, there will be other children in the class which will create a different chemistry. Also, when siblings pursue the same extra-curricular activities, a year later, there might even be another faculty advisor who completely transforms the experience."
At home encourage separate individual hobbies and after-school activities. For example, one child might attend music school and the other karate. Each one needs to find a niche that distinguishes subjective abilities. Also, spend time with each one -- separately doing other activities. After all, each child represents another part of you, physically and mentally. Become a positive mirror. Affirm each child verbally, don't anticipate the negative. Golubtchik reminds us, "children have personal learning styles: auditory, visual and drawing -- siblings do too." Respect individual study habits and affirm your child in your heart. He or she will sense it. Each child needs an affirmation that is special to him or her.
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