Adopting On Your Own

By Lee Varon

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Other issues may arise when a person has had an unhappy childhood and by adopting hopes to create the kind of family she never had. This feeling may be a factor in choosing to parent, but it can cause problems if it is a primary reason. Not only is it unfair to live through your child in this way, but you may also enter parenthood with unrealistic expectations of being the perfect parent and creating a perfect family. Unrealistic expectations of either yourself as a parent or of your child can lead to tension and disappointment. They can also get in the way of developing a close and lasting bond with your child.

Related to this desire to create an "ideal family" is something the director of an adoption agency called a "savior complex." If you feel that by adopting you are on a mission to save the world, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment and placing pressure on your child as well. Your child may feel he always needs to act happy and grateful. If you want to do something noble, donate money to a good charity rather than adopting. If you sense the "savior complex" is at work examine your feelings carefully to find ways to be more realistic and balanced in your conception of what it means to be a parent.

Single people who adopt, like couples who choose to parent, do so because they want to love, nurture, and form a deep connection with a child. They want to create a family. They feel that parenting will give them a sense of fulfillment. Single people who adopt usually think very carefully about how their decision will affect their child. It is not a decision made lightly or in haste. Having run decision-making groups, I know how single people grapple with all the issues surrounding their decision to parent, including how their child will feel about being raised by a single parent.

About the author: Lee Varon is a social worker with a Ph.D. in social work and the co-director of the Adoption network, a counseling and referral agency. She lives with her family in Cambridge, Massachusetts. This excerpt is from the book "Adopting on Your Own." Copyright 2000 Lee Varon. Reprinted with permission.