Adopting On Your Own
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You may have many of the same questions and uncertainties that bring prospective parents to my office. As you explore the decision that is right for you, you will gain insight and tools that should help you to avoid the predicament that Claire had found herself in for many years before coming to see me. "For years I was on the fence," she explained. "I'd get close to thinking I was ready to adopt and then all of the old fearful voices would come back. And so I'd panic and do nothing. And then I'd become depressed at the thought of never having children."
Caught in a state of limbo, Claire could neither grieve the loss of the child she would never have and move forward with her life, nor could she make plans to become a parent.
As people like Claire begin to seriously explore the possibilities of adoption, some who felt certain that they would adopt may realize that adoption is not the right choice for them, at least at this time in their lives. They may decide that before they adopt, they need to get other aspects of their lives in order: their job, finances, living situation, or their feelings about being single. Other people who felt skeptical about their readiness or ability to adopt a child may begin to feel that they are ready to go forward.
Reasons for Adopting
It is important to look at who you are, what you want,
and what your resources are before you begin the adoption
process. As Claire said: "Adopting a child isn't like buying a
car. You can't just bring it back if you realize you don't want
it." Sometimes it may seem unfair that people who want to adopt
must go through so much scrutiny, when millions of parents have
birth children without even thinking about it.
In some ways, however, as adoptive parents we are lucky to have the opportunity to evaluate our decision to parent thoroughly before going forward. One doesn't have to complete a course on communication and intimacy to get a marriage license either, but imagine how much better off some people might be if they did. Whether or not you ultimately choose to adopt, you certainly will learn a great deal about yourself and your goals and priorities by going through the adoption decision-making process.
In the process of looking into adoption, people often ask whether there are right and wrong reasons for wanting to adopt. The reasons you want to adopt a child will probably be complicated and diverse. And although there are no right or wrong feelings regarding adoption, there are some desires and expectations attached to adoption that may cause problems, especially when these desires and expectations seem to predominate.
Having concerns is a normal part of the process. As one woman put it, "You'd be crazy not to have some fears. After all, this decision will affect the rest of your life. You can sell a house, you can get a divorce if you realize you've made a mistake, but once you're a parent, you're a parent forever."
In order to feel comfortable about being single parents, we need to be at peace with being single. That doesn't mean we may not hope to find a partner eventually. But we need to recognize that children can never fill the role of a partner or confidant, nor should they be expected to provide adult companionship for their parent. Such expectations place an unfair burden on a child, and they can lead to complications and heartache for you both. Although we all hope to have a close and mutually fulfilling relationship with our children, if you sense that what you are really looking for is adult companionship, you should address these needs with a therapist before adopting.
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