New Expectations: From Partner To Father
Have you ever wondered what an expectant dad usually hears from his male friends? "Buddy, once this baby is born, you can forget about sex for the next six months." If I were about to become a father, probably a little unsure about my new role, this advice would not be particularly comforting. Why do women persist in thinking that once the baby is born, they will just walk off into the sunset? And why don't childbirth educators discuss the importance of "expectations management" and good communications? Sylvia Brown, author of "The Post-Pregnancy Handbook," explains.
The Relationship Changes
It is undeniable that the arrival of a baby, especially the
first, transforms the relationship inside a couple. Three
people now must share love, time and energy -- the exclusive
nature of the couple's relationship comes to an end. Moral and
material responsibilities dominate, lives must be better
organized, improvising becomes difficult, if not impossible.
New conflicts can arise on matters that both partners thought
resolved, especially regarding values and important decisions
such as education and religion.
Today, a further challenge faces parents. When they become mothers, many women judge their partners according to a new criterion: their ability to be "good fathers." With her newly acquired protective instinct, even the most relaxed, easygoing woman will become overcritical if the father does not live up to her image of an ideal dad. Yet he is often caught between the weight of tradition and modern expectations.
A woman has the advantage of a progressive preparation for motherhood over the course of nine months. She carries the child not only in her body, but also in her heart and in her mind. Once the baby is born, she benefits from an extremely intimate relationship. The father-child relationship, however, is external and more abstract. Once home from the hospital, the baby and its supplies seem to take over the house. He is expected to stand close by the mother-child unit, but cannot enter into it; to instinctively take over all the housekeeping; and to have a sudden, burning desire to change diapers. It is hardly surprising then that he feels left out of the magic bubble. He may feel sexually frustrated, clumsy and useless around the baby but not dare admit his feelings.
A new father may feel threatened, now that important decisions seem to be made in terms of their impact on the baby. He may be jealous of the woman's reproductive powers, which seem to bring her happiness and attention. He may feel a strong burden of responsibility, as well as stronger financial pressures to succeed. He may feel overwhelmed by his spouse's emotional dependence. He may be frustrated to find that his spouse appears to be perpetually engrossed in the baby and makes no time for him alone. He may be alarmed by the baby's fragile appearance. Older fathers may be especially worried that the baby will cramp their lifestyle.
To make things worse, some mothers go out of their way to point out their partner's faults and clumsiness in handling the baby, so as to reinforce their role as primary caregiver. Conversely, some men prefer to delegate all tasks concerning children to the mother (possibly as their father did with their mother) or idealize her maternal abilities as a way of justifying their non-involvement with the child.
None of this need happen if communications remain good within the couple, if the partners feel that they can express their wishes and are attentive to each others' needs.
They Aren't Mindreaders, After All
Mothers, remember that your partner cannot always guess your
needs. Your spouse does not instinctively know what to do and
may in reality feel lost. Don't become a prisoner of
stereotypes. One major cause of postnatal tensions between
partners can be eliminated by avoiding the roles of "father
hen" and "perfect mother." Re-establish frank, open
communication. Try to respect each other's uncertainties. Ask
yourself, "How would I react if I were only a spectator and not
the main actor?"
Give your partner precise tasks to fulfill. Make him feel needed. Find time for yourselves as a couple (some 90 percent of couples go out less after the birth of a child) -- you need outside activities! Having children satisfies a basic need for many women. But all women also need adult relationships. A child will never replace the lover and partner.
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Member Comments On...
New Expectations: From Partner To Father
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I think I was definitely guilty of accusing my husband of baby care inferiority in the beginning. That my way was the best way...Wait. I kind of still do that. But, I did come to realize that we do these differently and it's okay, the baby will be just fine because of it.
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Very nice tips for new dads and one that my husband (slightly used, father of 4) and I practice, today. Best tip - I try and remember that my husband is not me and that we handle family issues differently. We try and let one compensates for the other ;o)
