What Is the Difference Between the Father/Child Bond and the
Mother/Child Bond?
It was quickly apparent from the surveys that dads have a
different approach or style to bonding than moms. Dads have a
more rough-and-tumble approach to physical interaction or may
spend time in more physical activities such as play or working
on a project together. Competition was also seen more in
father/child bonding and was considered healthy if used in
small doses and with sensitivity to a child's temperament and
abilities. Sportsmanship, but not necessarily sports,
was regarded as an essential ingredient in the development of a
child's characters. While the approach may differ, the need for
bonding with Mom and Dad is equally significant. One dad joked
that other than a couple of biological differences (e.g.,
giving birth or breastfeeding) he couldn't see one as more
important than the other.
What Barriers Prevent Fathers from Achieving a Bond with
Their Child?
All of the fathers agreed that work and the mismanagement of
time were the biggest robbers of relationships with children.
No one discounted a father's responsibility to provide for his
family, but all of them maintained that a healthy balance is
needed between work and family. They felt that society makes it
easy to use one's career as an escape. Social influences tend
to value the bond a child has with Mom to be more important
than with Dad. But none of the dads questioned felt this
barrier to be insurmountable.
Eliminating barriers in society begins in the home. Dads must demonstrate that being involved in the home is important to them before society will start treating dads as important to the home. Dads need to take the initiative to change a diaper, clean up after dinner, give the kids their bath and do the laundry. The collective effect of these "small" acts will ripple out into society to create "bigger" change.
Can a Father Bond With a Child If They Did Not Have a Father
Growing Up?
The entire group affirmed that not having a father would make
it more difficult but not impossible to bond with a child.
According to one dad, bonding is more of an innate need or
spiritual drive, than simply a learned behavior. Therefore,
fatherless fathers are not doomed to repeat their own childhood
experiences. Another dad suggested "getting excited" by the
little things that make a child excited or happy. Getting down
on the child's level, regressing to those early moments in life
when you were a child, and sharing simple pleasures with your
child will foster the bonding missed the first time around.
In summary, it is clear that the bond between a father and a child is an important one. Barriers, such as social values and absent fathers, make bonding with children difficult but not impossible. Children need the unique style of bonding that fathers can provide, and fathers can build that bond by spending time engaging in physical, intellectual, social and spiritual activities.
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