The world of adolescent dating is more confusing than ever before. Children are growing up faster and pushing the boundaries of sexuality earlier, as well as facing new kinds of pressures that most parents have never even dreamed of. You'll have to face the inevitable: Your tweenage daughter no longer plays with Barbie, but dresses like her. Get some advice from the authors of Cliques and Boy Crazy: Keeping Your Daughter's Feet on the Ground When Her Head is in the Clouds.
Are you dog-tired of saying NO to your
tween?
No, you can't go out on a school night.
No, you can't go out dressed like that!
No, you can't go to that co-ed sleep-over!
No, you cannot date!
Before you put your dating rules for your tween into effect, prepare yourself with some dating dos and don'ts designed for you.
1. Do giggle and gush along with your tween over her
first crush.
She may show you a pop star from a magazine or a snapshot of a
classmate from the middle school yearbook. You can tell that
she's smitten. Tweens need permission to be romantic, your
permission. So smile, laugh, and say, "He is cute."
2. Don't assume group dating is safe.
You may say no to dating one-on-one for your twelve-year-old,
but agree to let her go out in a group. A pair can isolate
themselves from the group in a dark movie theatre. You cannot
trust the group setting to supervise your child.
3. Do be sensitive to your tweenager's romantic
timetable.
Some 11-year-olds get boy-girl party invitations and want to
go. Others aren't ready for that. Don't ever push your child to
get into the popular crowd's schedule. Watch for his and her
social readiness. Respect it.
4. Do wait up when your tween goes out.
Be there to make sure your child had a safe outing. A hug and
kiss good-night should also serve as a safety measure to be
sure there is not alcohol on his breath, no slurred words in
his good-night. Pay close attention if your tween wants to
attend too many sleepovers. They may be using sleepovers to
avoid parental supervision.
5. Don't snoop to find out about your tween's love
life.
Yes, it is your responsibility to know how far your
fourteen-year-old may be going (both emotionally and physically).
However, violating privacy by reading diaries or on-line blogs
will build a wall, not a bridge of trust. Without trust you
cannot effectively guide your tween through the risks and
revelry of adolescence and romance.
6. Don't plan one sex talk.
The landscape of sexuality is totally different for this
generation. They have new worries: AIDS and HIV and a plethora
of STDs. They even have new definitions for sex. They also have
you to help them navigate this new climate. Plan on lots of
talks.
7. Do keep your ear to the rumor mill.
Who is boyfriend stealing? Who got jilted? Who went too far?
Who wound up in the emergency room getting her stomach pumped?
The gossip may come from your child or from other parents. You
don't have to believe it or spread it, but gossip provides a
window of opportunity to explore other tween's or teen's
decisions. Ask your child, "What do you think about
?"
8. Do pay attention to your son's social life.
Studies show that girls get most of the relationship talks, but
it takes two to tango. Boys need just as much instruction and
guidance on courtship and companionship as girls. Furthermore,
there are certain issues, such as respect and consent, that
need your emphasis and clarity.
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