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Your Daughter Is Dating!

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The world of adolescent dating is more confusing than ever before. Children are growing up faster and pushing the boundaries of sexuality earlier, as well as facing new kinds of pressures that most parents have never even dreamed of. You'll have to face the inevitable: Your tweenage daughter no longer plays with Barbie, but dresses like her. Get some advice from the authors of Cliques and Boy Crazy: Keeping Your Daughter's Feet on the Ground When Her Head is in the Clouds.

Are you dog-tired of saying NO to your tween?

No, you can't go to the mall to hang out.
No, you can't go out on a school night.
No, you can't go out dressed like that!
No, you can't go to that co-ed sleep-over!
No, you cannot date!

Before you put your dating rules for your tween into effect, prepare yourself with some dating dos and don'ts designed for you.

1. Do giggle and gush along with your tween over her first crush.
She may show you a pop star from a magazine or a snapshot of a classmate from the middle school yearbook. You can tell that she's smitten. Tweens need permission to be romantic, your permission. So smile, laugh, and say, "He is cute."

2. Don't assume group dating is safe.
You may say no to dating one-on-one for your twelve-year-old, but agree to let her go out in a group. A pair can isolate themselves from the group in a dark movie theatre. You cannot trust the group setting to supervise your child.

3. Do be sensitive to your tweenager's romantic timetable.
Some 11-year-olds get boy-girl party invitations and want to go. Others aren't ready for that. Don't ever push your child to get into the popular crowd's schedule. Watch for his and her social readiness. Respect it.

4. Do wait up when your tween goes out.
Be there to make sure your child had a safe outing. A hug and kiss good-night should also serve as a safety measure to be sure there is not alcohol on his breath, no slurred words in his good-night. Pay close attention if your tween wants to attend too many sleepovers. They may be using sleepovers to avoid parental supervision.

5. Don't snoop to find out about your tween's love life.
Yes, it is your responsibility to know how far your fourteen-year-old may be going (both emotionally and physically). However, violating privacy by reading diaries or on-line blogs will build a wall, not a bridge of trust. Without trust you cannot effectively guide your tween through the risks and revelry of adolescence and romance.

6. Don't plan one sex talk.
The landscape of sexuality is totally different for this generation. They have new worries: AIDS and HIV and a plethora of STDs. They even have new definitions for sex. They also have you to help them navigate this new climate. Plan on lots of talks.

7. Do keep your ear to the rumor mill.
Who is boyfriend stealing? Who got jilted? Who went too far? Who wound up in the emergency room getting her stomach pumped? The gossip may come from your child or from other parents. You don't have to believe it or spread it, but gossip provides a window of opportunity to explore other tween's or teen's decisions. Ask your child, "What do you think about…?"

8. Do pay attention to your son's social life.
Studies show that girls get most of the relationship talks, but it takes two to tango. Boys need just as much instruction and guidance on courtship and companionship as girls. Furthermore, there are certain issues, such as respect and consent, that need your emphasis and clarity.



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