10 Ways to Help Kids to Really Say No and Buck Peer Pressure
After all, if he has a tough time
saying "no" to the tamer dilemmas of younger kids, fast forward
your concerns to the kinds of wilder, scarier issues he may
face later. And there is cause for some concern. A
Time/Nickelodeon survey of 991 kids ages nine to 14 revealed 36
percent feel pressure from peers to smoke marijuana, 40 percent
feel pressure to have sex, 36 percent feel pressure to
shoplift, and four out of 10 feel pressure to drink.
Here's the good news though: assertive skills can be taught to kids. Though it is never too late, the sooner parents start boosting this friendship skill builder, the greater your child's confidence will be in social settings, and the easier you'll sleep. Here are a few strategies from my book, Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me: The Top 25 Friendship Problems and How to Solve Them, you can use to help your child buck the negative peer pressure and stand up to peers.
Bring the issue into the open. If your kid is suffering from a lack of assertive skills, it may be very hard for him to talk about this problem so take the lead. "I noticed during play group today Johnny told you to throw sand in the sink, and you did it. You know better. So let's talk about why you went along." "You know Rene's house is off limits, but you went along with the group anyway. You have to learn to stand up to your friends and do what you know is right."
Share your beliefs. Parents who raise assertive kids who can stand up for their beliefs don't do so by accident. They make sure their children know what they stand for. "In our family we don't watch violent movies. Plain and simple. So tell your friends you can't go." "I don't care if all your friends use four-letter words, for you that's forbidden." "The next time a friend dares you to smoke a cigarette, just stand up and walk out. You need to stick up for what you know is right. I know how much you hate smoking."
Stop rescuing. If your role has been apologizing, explaining, or basically "doing" for your child, then stop. You child will never learn how to stand up for himself. Instead, he'll forever by relying on you.
Model assertiveness. If you want your child to be confident, assertive and stand up for his beliefs, make sure you display those behaviors. Kids mimic what they see.
Teach how to say no. Ask your child to choose phrases he is most comfortable using. "No" can be said alone: "NO!" It can also be followed by a reason: "No, it's just not my style." "No thanks. My parents would kill me." "No, I don't feel like doing that." "No, I don't want to." "No. I have to get home and I'm already late." The child could suggest an alternative: "No. Let's think of something else." "Nope. How bout we go to the skate park instead?" Tell your child it's not his job to change your friend's mind, but to stay true to his beliefs.
Teach confident body language. Push-over kids usually stand with heads down, shoulders slumped, arms and knees quivering, and eyes downcast. So even if he says "no" to his friends, his body sends a far different message and his words will have little credibility. So it's crucial to teach your child assertive body posture: hold your head high, shoulders slightly back, look your friend in the eye and use a confident, firm tone of voice.
It will help your child see what the confident body posture looks like so she can use it herself. So role play with your child the "confident look" and the "hesitant look." Then encourage your child to be on the look-out for "confident" or "hesitant" posture in other people. Look everywhere: at the mall, on the playground, even television and movie actors. Soon your child will instantly be able to spot confident posture and copy and use it himself.
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Member Comments On...
10 Ways to Help Kids to Really Say No and Buck Peer Pressure
1 |
We as parents are responsible for our children. No matter the AGE. We must start teaching our children at a early age how to be assertive in their beliefs. We must model ASSERTIVENESS,
Instead we need to teach them how to say "NO" and be confident in what they believe in. They can use their body language as a part of communication.
There are times that I create conflict SO my son can see, feel, and experience how to work through difficult times.
Our teenagers must learn to manage their ANGER as they feel it within their own body.
ANGER is a MONSTER. Teaching begins at home and while they are at a age that they can understand the teachings.
Peers can be very intimidating. Our children must feel confident enough to say NO to them at the appropriate times.
Talk to your child about Conflict resolution and how to deal with it. Share with them the 'What If's'. This will prepare them for the real test.
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Great ideas. It also helps to have your kids explain to you the consequences of a particular action. I often ask mine, "What's wrong with smoking?" or other things like that to get them to think about it and make up their minds - before they're pressured into a decision on the spot.
