During your five- or ten-minute decompression, you may also meditate or say a prayer to reconnect with that calm place deep inside yourself. You could say something like, "Please help me open my heart even though my body is tired." Or you could imagine that you're an astronaut or a scuba diver who needs to regain normal breathing now that you're coming back to firm ground after spending time in an alien environment. If you came back suddenly to normal oxygen after a journey to outer space or the ocean floor, you would begin by breathing slowly and calmly as you said to yourself, "I'm entering a completely different world than where I've been the past several hours."

Whatever approach you utilize, make sure you take a moment to feel your body and your mind shifting out of the "get to the point already" tone that might be normal at work but disastrous at home. Breathe deeply as you envision yourself turning back into a loving partner-and a caring and patient parent if you have kids at home.

As you walk up to your front door, stop for a moment to make sure you're ready to approach your loved ones with your most compassionate self. The moment before you say "Hello" or "How are you?" to your loved ones, take a deep breath and remind yourself, "The person I'm about to talk to is more important than any client, customer, boss, colleague, or phone caller I've spoken to today. I better show up fully available for this next conversation because nothing else is as important as these precious moments together. " You might even want to put these few sentences on a note card that you keep in your wallet in case you need to read them to yourself after an especially stressful day.

Even if your partner or your kids start right in saying something you've heard before, remind yourself that you can still be a calm and patient listener. As your partner begins to speak, if you notice that your impatience, irritability, or desire to interrupt is welling up, be sure to catch yourself and say silently, "Don't be a jerk. Don't be the lousy listener who can ruin a good relationship. Right now I'm definitely tired, but I'm still capable of listening with a completely open heart. This is the moment to prove whether I'm a great partner or a cranky burden for my loved ones."

Please don't underestimate the importance of this decompression portion of your day. What you say to yourself to unhook from your stressed-out mood is up to you. I've listed here a few possibilities, but feel free to change these statements into your own words. The key is to find a way to decompress so you won't stir up a fight or disappoint those who look forward to seeing you when you come home. Because if you talk to your partner or your kids the way you talk to someone you are disciplining at work, your loved ones will be thinking to themselves, "Oh, great, here we go again. The agitated commander in chief is home again and we're all supposed to take orders. Get me outta here!"

Copyright © 2005 Leonard Felder, Ph.D. Permission granted by Rodale, Inc., Emmaus, PA 18098. Available wherever books are sold or directly from the publisher by calling (800) 848-4735 or visit their website at www.rodalestore.com.

Leonard Felder, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist in private practice in West Los Angeles. As a popular lecturer and recognized expert on how to improve personal relationships, his books have sold more than 1 million copies and he has appeared on more than 200 television and radio programs, including Oprah, NBC's The Today Show, CBS's The Early Show, CNN, A.M. Canada, National Public Radio, and ABC Talkradio. He and his wife, Linda, have been together since 1980, and they are the parents of a 12-year-old son, Steven.

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