What would it be like if you and your partner became excellent listeners on a daily basis? For example, think back through the months or years you have known your partner and recall the times when the two of you talked like best friends who truly cared about each other. What did it feel like to have a soul mate who was 100 percent there for you? Wouldn't it be great to have that sense of deep connection again in your conversations?
You may have had moments in your relationship when you both made sure to set aside time each day or each week to catch up on what was happening with each other. Do you remember what that was like, and do you know why you've stopped making your moments together a high priority?
You may have had moments when you felt completely understood and appreciated by each other, when the two of you felt like passionate co-conspirators facing the obstacles and challenges of life together. Did you fall in love because you could appreciate one another's visions and vulnerabilities better than anyone else?
I bring up these questions to help you and your partner remember how amazing it feels when you are absolutely in the current moment connecting with your loved one. Yet to be fully present with the person you love deeply is not easy to accomplish. Not only do we have busy lives and lots to deal with, but we find it risky to open up and be fully known by another human being. On a stressful day when your brain and nervous system get battered and fried, how do you show up and be there 100 percent in the current moment with a partner who might also be exhausted or agitated?
Ways to Create Heartfelt Listening
No one sets out to be a lousy listener. I doubt that you've ever heard at a wedding or commitment ceremony the partners pro- claim in their vows, "I promise to be a mediocre listener to you. I vow to show condescending signs of impatience or say things like 'So what's your point already?' when I come home from work and you're trying to describe the ups and downs of your day." Yet even if you're highly respected as a good listener in your job, you might still need to overcome the tendency to wear your "I've got no listening left" face when you're at home with your long-term partner or your kids.
There are three things you can do to master the art of heartfelt listening, even on a stressful day: the Daily Decompression Exercise, the Twenty-Minute Daily Check-In, and Giving Each Other Three Appreciations.
The Daily Decompression Exercise
It's going to take more than good intentions if you want to
be fully present for each other after a stressful day. That's
why I recommend a remarkable tool called the Daily
Decompression Exercise that I've seen work for hundreds of
couples. Instead of going on automatic pilot when you're at
home and slipping into impatience or grumpiness, you can use
this exercise to manually adjust your focus and breathing at
the moment your beloved partner needs you to be fully present.
Instead of getting distracted, you can become the exquisite
listener that a great partnership requires.
Here's what to do:
Before you try to have a quality conversation with your loved one, take five or ten minutes to "decompress" from the day. You might want to stop a block or two before your street and take five quiet minutes to remind yourself, "I'm not at work any longer. I'm about to enter a different atmosphere where my loved ones are hoping they'll have the good listener this time instead of the cranky, impatient, burned-out basket case they've had to endure too many times."
Or go into the washroom and rinse your hands and face as you say into the mirror, "This is a crucial moment when I'm either going to be a great listener or an impatient jerk. The quality of my relationship depends on whether I show up right now with an open heart or a closed mind."
Copyright 2007 Modern Mom, LLC. All rights reserved.
0 |
