I learned a lot about who was suffering from the Irritable Male Syndrome from letters I received from men and women.
Here are two that are typical of many.
A 32-year-old man writes, "Over the past 3 years especially, I have noticed that my relationship with my wife has begun to deteriorate. In the past there were open displays of affection and frequent verbal affirmations. Now, I seem to be irritable all the time.
My attitude seems to be 'don't come near me, don't talk to me, I had a hard day, I want the entire world to piss off.' She now rarely tries to hug me, never initiates sex, and talks to me probably about half as much as she used to. It's gotten to the point where I find out what's going on in her life from my mother or sisters. We're both miserable.
A 57-year-old woman sends a terse letter about the man she lives with.
"Last January a man came home from work with my husband's face but did not act at all like him. I've known this man for 30 years, married for 22 of them and have never met THIS guy before. Mean, nasty, and cruel are just a few words to describe him."
Women inevitably try one thing after another to help their guy.
"I love him and I can't stand to see him feeling so miserable," one woman told me.
Another said she had to find a solution in order to maintain her own sanity.
"He's driving me nuts. No matter what I do I can't seem to do anything right. One minute he is as nice as can be. The next, he acts like I'm contaminated and can't stand to be near me."
1. The first strategy is to ignore the problem, hoping it is temporary and will soon improve. You may tell yourself that he's just having stresses at work or the kids are at a particularly difficult stage. You think that these kinds of problems are part of life, that every marriage has its ups and downs, and things will soon improve. They won't. They'll likely get worse unless you do something differently.
2. The second strategy is to try harder to be nice, while he continues to be mean. Many of us, particularly women, are trained to be helpful and supportive. When your partner is obviously in pain you want to make things better. You try to be understanding and caring. You think this works, but it actually makes things worse.
The nicer you are the more guilty he feels about the way he is acting. Guilt leads to sadness and depression which in this case leads to more anger.
3. The third strategy is to blame yourself. After being criticized and blamed for everything from putting on weight to being less available for sex, you begin to think that maybe he is right. You know you aren't perfect and you have been overwhelmed with things lately. You start to feel guilty and ashamed. Stop it! This isn't your fault any more than his getting a disease like diabetes is your fault.
4. The forth strategy is to blame him. You don't understand why or how, but it's clear that he's changed. He acts like a real S.O.B. He's become disrespectful and mean. Sometimes you let him know directly what you think of him. At other times you make sarcastic comments that you know cut him to the quick. But hey, he started it. Maybe giving him a dose of his own medicine will wake him up. Well, it won't. It will just make you feel as lousy as he does.
5. The fifth strategy is to try and get him to change. You are sure that if only you could get him the help he needs things would get back to normal. You drop hints and you tell him directly that he needs to see someone--a doctor, a therapist, a counselor, a priest--anyone that can help him get well. You don't really think you're trying to change him, just help him. It doesn't work. He just feels more pressured.
Copyright 2007 Modern Mom, LLC. All rights reserved.
0 |
