Balance Your Roles: Partners vs. Parents
It's easy for parents today to get swept up in their children's lives. From the minute we take them home, put on their first diapers, and give them their first bottles, we begin trying our best to fulfill all of our children's needs and demands. While I am a firm believer in being a thoughtful, committed parent, I also know that if couples don't put their relationship first (most of the time), then no amount of devotion to their kids will keep their relationship alive.
That said, I also realize that it's not easy to keep a healthy balance between thinking of ourselves as both partners and as parents. How do we achieve the right balance that makes us feel that we are doing a good job as parents without losing sight of the reason you became a family in the first place?
Carve Out Time
Despite so many kids, so many demands, and so much enjoyment
we get from our kids, Jim and I always carve out time for just
the two of us. It's not always easy, but we don't waste time
trying to figure out if we deserve it.
One night last summer we did just that. It was a Friday and I had been with the kids all week. I was exhausted and had spent all my energy reserves. As usual the kids had a swim meet and Jim and I had planned to meet there to watch them race. When he arrived from the office, we took one look at each other and knew we needed to create time for just the two of us. At the end of the swim meet, we took the kids to McDonald's (not something we regularly do) and then home. Once they were showered, in their pajamas, and set for bed, we headed out the door, leaving the older kids to babysit.
We didn't deliberate over whether the kids were okay -- we knew they were safe and sound. And we also knew it was just as important for us to have time alone. We had a lovely -- albeit short -- dinner out and enjoyed every minute of it.
The best gift you can give your children is a loving relationship with your spouse. When children know -- and witness -- their parents putting aside time for each other, kids understand that their parents are committed to each other. They also know that their parents love each other. In turn this love between their parents makes kids feel safe, enabling them to grow unhindered, following their own unique destinies.
On the other hand when children are always put first or experience rancor between their parents, constant fighting, verbal violence, or a lack of trust, then children question the very root of their foundation. Such a lack of safety breeds internal chaos and insecurity -- two obstacles to healthy self-esteem and confidence.
Show Your Love
For both your children's sake and your own, it's important
to put energy into your primary relationship. Show your love
toward him in front of your kids. Take time to be alone with
your spouse. Your kids couldn't have a better gift than to know
their parents love and respect each other and like to spend
time with each other.
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Member Comments On...
Balance Your Roles: Partners vs. Parents
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Together time is hard to find in this "rush rush" world. Its important to your relationships to make that time no matter how hard it is. We try to do this at least once a month. As for the showing the love we have group hugs and we are always hugging and kissing with the boys around.
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This is good advice. I was just telling my husband I read this article where people carved out kids/family, work, self and couple into pieces of a pie (ideally) and I was shocked to see how big the couple piece was! I sort of totally forgot the couple focus. We had 10 years without kids, so we had plenty of us time but Im definately going to try to do more now that I realize how lame we actually are.
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I agree - it's important for your kids to see that you love each other too! It's easy to get caught up - I don't really think I learned the meaning of "marriage is hard" until we had kids and had to share our time.
