"Stop interrupting me when I'm talking."
"You have to learn to speak up for yourself."
"You ask too many questions."
"Tell me with words. I don't understand whining."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Don't bug me when I'm on the phone."
"You should have brought that concern to me."

These phrases and others like them are sending mixed messages to our children. They are telling them: Talk, but don't talk. I want to hear your opinion, but not all the time. It's no wonder many of our children are confused about when and how to access their own voice.

Children don't automatically know when and how to speak up. They don't understand the appropriate times to interrupt. Nor do they often demonstrate the skills that will enable them to speak up effectively. They don't understand the power of words and how to use them to create change in their lives.

The most effective way for children to learn when and how to speak up is for you to teach them. If you want children to learn to use their voice in appropriate ways at appropriate times, you have to help them.

Below are suggestions for when and how to encourage your child to create his or her own voice so he or she can become an empowered, confident, self-responsible youngster.

Children need to speak up when . . .

1) They need help.

Children need help stacking blocks, reaching toys on a high shelf, writing a thank you letter, understanding a math concept, handling a peer relationship, and in many other situations as they move through each developmental stage. Some situations they can handle themselves. Others they cannot. A key component to becoming independent is knowing when and how to ask for help.

2) They want something.

Yes, it's okay for children to ask for what they want. Just because a child learns to speak up and ask for what she wants doesn't mean she will get it. Sometimes what a child wants is unhealthy or unsafe. It is our job as parents to deny those requests while respecting the child's right to vocalize her desire to get what she wants.

For some children, whining becomes the preferred way of asking for what they want. Our role is to give our children useful words to say what they want instead of whining. By helping them learn to say, "I want to stay up longer," "I want to be held," or "I want to get down," you teach them that using words is their best hope for getting what they want in your family. They also come to understand that whining doesn't work with you.

Say, "Brandon, that's whining. Whining doesn't work with me. Use your words to tell me what you want. By using words, you sometimes get what you want. Sometimes you don't. And it's your only hope

3) They prefer NOT to have something.

Did you ever go on vacation with a teenager who didn't want to be there, one who pouted for the entire week you spent in a cabin in the woods? If so, you know the value of teaching children to voice their opposition to something you want for them. "I don't really like hooded sweatshirts," is important information to have before you make a sixty dollar purchase that your child will never wear.

"Lima beans is my least favorite vegetable," is valuable data to accumulate before you head to the grocery store.