onetiredmama: 51 Ways To Confound Your Mommy

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I can't believe its taken me this long to figure out, but its pretty obvious. The kids are conspiring to drive me crazy.

Not certifiable, just unhinged. I suspect they've been convening at midnight for strategizing sessions to plot my demise. I can only imagine they unfold a little something like this.

Jack checks to see that I'm sleeping. He peeks in my room, sees the drool puddling on my pillow and feels safe to creep into Riley's room. "Hey sis, wake up!" he whispers. "Oh it's my older sibling. How are you dear brother?" "I'm fine, but concerned. Now listen, I know behind closed doors like this, we truly love and cherish each other, but we really need to step it up a notch for the big show during the day. We are not fighting enough! We have to remember our 3 prong approach: fight, frustrate and foil. My graph here clearly shows that when we argue over a toy or food item, Mom and Dad drop their "What a good listener" act and blow a gasket, 5 times out of 10. We need to increase our effectiveness and get those numbers up."

Looking to cause trouble...

"But I told you to shut up 9 times today! And I said I hate you," protests Riley. "I gave you mommy kitty to play with and then screamed for it back. Didn't you see mommy turn purple?" "I know," says Jack, "but we need more mindless fighting. Fighting with no purpose. That really puts mom over the edge. And don't forget to throw in a bite or two and lots of slapping!"

"Alright. Do I have to keep talking like a baby and pretending I'm a cat?" "Yes, for a while longer, and keep refusing to wear barettes and bows in your hair. And by the way, I spotted you eyeing up her necklace the other day. Watch it. Your refusal to be a girly girl really gets her going." "But she says she loves my independent spirit." "Yeah, well sometimes her eye twitches when she says it. Oh and by the way, excellent work with the outerwear fight. The leopard print coat with the purple striped hat and yellow spongebob garden gloves you insisted on wearing sent her over the edge." "Yeah, and then I took it all off in the car!" Riley beams. "We should call you Wiley, not Riley!" says Jack with a pat on her back.

"Well Jack if we're going to dissect our performances, I think you could 'lose' a few more things, you know. So far its only been meow-meow, your tae kwon do uniform and your teachers christmas present." "Yeah but I hid that the day she was going to give it to her. I get extra points for that!"

"True, now what about baths. Do we like them this month?" "Hmmm, yes. And we want to take them at odd times during the day, and we don't want to get out. Next month, we won't like them. Oh, and good work with the potty training. You had them all excited like you were ready to start and then lost all interest!"