Does asking kids directly about their experiences and feelings get you a blank stare or a look like you have 12 heads?
How could you help them to enhance their ability to socialize without coming across as being the "weird or nosy parent?"
Opening dialogue with your children by asking more pointed and open-ended questions, they will be better able to relate to you and you can begin to create goals with them.
After all, isn't it every parents wish to have a deeper more meaningful relationship with their children?
Here are some tips to help your children & adolescents talk about enhancing their social interactions in any social setting.
The communication can be altered based on the child's age or where they are developmentally.
These can be used as an essential springboard to open dialogue between you and your children.
Ask them to:
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Think about their person-to-person interactions.
Do they spend most of their time interacting in person with friends or are they typically engrossed in listening to music (on their Ipod), watching television/movies, playing video games (Xbox 360, Wii), and/or communicating with their peers via chat rooms, facebook.com, myspace.com, etc.?
Do they feel more comfortable interacting with their peers via impersonal modes of communication (e.g., chat rooms) as opposed to having face-to-face contact?
Do they spend a majority of their time alone?
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Think about and observe their body language.
Do they look people in their eyes when they speak or do they have their head slumped down?
Do they walk around with a frown or a smile on their face most of the time?
Do they appear self-assured or like a person who lacks confidence in her/himself?
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Think about the way in which they are approaching
people.
Are they approaching their peers based on the presumption that they will not be liked?
That they will be judged?
They will be perceived as weird or stupid?
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Think about the way in which they are communicating with
others.
Do they talk in a loud enough voice for people to hear them?
Do they finish their sentences when they speak or talk in half sentences?
Do they attentively and empathetically listen to others or cut people off mid-sentence to convey their own thoughts and feelings?
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Think about their ability to connect to others.
Do they have difficulty initiating conversations or relationships?
Do they have issues with maintaining conversations or relationships?
Are they mindful of appropriate boundaries with their peers (i.e., are not either too overbearing/stifling or cold / indifferent)?
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Think about how they feel and behave with a large group
of people as opposed to a small group or one-on-one?
In a large group setting, do they feel out of place and lost?
Are they giving ample attention to all the people they want to?
Do they feel stuck talking to people they don't find socially unfulfilling or stimulating?
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Think about what they hope to get out of their
interactions.
Is it to enhance and deepen existing relationships?
Is it to develop new relationships?
Is it to get into an intimate relationship (for adolescents and beyond)?
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Think about a typical social setting -- what would
ordinarily make them feel anxious, uncomfortable, or awkward?
Is it a fear that they will have nothing to say?
That there will be deafening silences?
That they will have nothing in common with the other person/people?
That they do not know how to effectively engage in small-talk?
Or in intelligent/emotionally intense discussions?
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Think about what activities they want to engage in with
their friends or family that they find exciting.
Are they participating in these activities?
Do they find that they go to activities just to go along for the ride and typically do not enjoy them?
That they do not necessarily formulate an opinion and convey to others about where they want to go or what they want to do?
Typically wish they were having more fun doing something or being somewhere else?
These questions open dialogue with children or adolescents about their social behavior/anxieties in an unassuming and safe manner.
Talking about it is the first step to helping them work through some of these challenges.
Michelle P. Maidenberg, Ph.D., MPH, LCSW-R, CGP is the President/Clinical Director of Westchester Group Works, a Center for Group Therapy in White Plains, NY ( www.westchestergroupworks.com).
She is a Professor at Mercy College in Dobbs Ferry and maintains a private practice in White Plains and in NYC.
Dr. Maidenberg is a consultant and trainer and often presents at conferences and publishes on the topics of socialization, health related issues, trauma, assertiveness training, and group treatment.
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