There are seven territories of in-law personalities in this great country of ours. Each has its own unique flavor.
1. West Coast In-Laws (California, Oregon, Washington)
Three words: Burning Man Festival. Your in-laws live where Manifest Destiny carried them. They come from a long line of gold hunters -- those in search of a truer, richer way of life. Every single Napa Valley wine they uncork, or Starbucks coffee they brew; or macrobiotic muffin they bake, they judge you for not living the way they do. "Oh, West Coast people are more laid back." Really? They're ultra-aggressive about lifestyle choices and the 40-hour workweek! How do you deal with your West Coast in-laws?
- Compliment their tan. Their sunglasses. Their shapely mountain-bike sculpted legs. They'll eat it up (those egotists!). And coo when they mention how they fly seaplanes to their island house, and how the orca whales and "pristine wilderness" are their backyard. Blah, blah, blah. Make sure to note how very fresh the air is, even if it's making your allergies act up.
- Read up on renewable energy resources: wind power, solar energy, and corn-powered cars. Tell them that you're already on the waiting list for one (a waiting list made of recycled paper, no less).
How to dress: In flannel and Tevas with thick socks.
What not to do: Smoke cigarettes. Joints, however, are
cool.
2. Rocky Mountain In-Laws (Colorado, Montana, Idaho, Utah)
Your rugged in-laws know a thing or two about machinery. They can plow. They can drive a tractor. They can dig a deep hole with a backhoe (and I'm talking about Aunt Trudy on dialysis here). They can also wrangle sheep on a mountain without the help of a gay lover (no matter what that movie said). How do you impress in-laws that live in winter for nine months a year and are known to wrestle bears for sport?
- If your weenie job as an economics professor hasn't prepared you for life with these in-laws, buying a picture book about tractors and trucks -- something a five-year-old boy would drool over -- will help. At least you'll know your trenchers from your dozers and your grapple log skidders from your pipe layers.
- Pick an alpine sport: ice climbing, fly-fishing, kayaking, mountain climbing, trekking, snowshoeing, skiing, or mountain biking, and excel at it. It doesn't matter if you live in Florida, you need to train so you can join your in-laws in death-defying "leisure sports" at high altitude (with no bleeping oxygen!).
How to dress: In jeans and a warm jacket, because you'll
be outside shoveling hay.
What not to do: Mention how your gay brother in Boston
just got married and a drag queen performed the ceremony.
3. Southwestern In-Laws (New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada)
There are two kinds of ex-hippie in-laws in the Southwest: those with boatloads of money and those with a jar of pennies. Figure out which one your in-law is. The former has a perfect golf swing, and the latter reliably has peyote.
When your Southwest in-laws hug you, they practically blind -- the sun glints off their turquoise jewelry and belt buckles, sending signals miles into the sky. (Duh, that's how the aliens found Roswell.)
Your in-laws are into spirituality with a capital S. Every inch of wall space is covered with pottery depictions of Kokopelli and watercolor drawings of pueblos and adobe homes in rust and muted orange hues. They subsist on roasted green chilies and yerba mate. They also don't age. Is it the desert? The dry heat? Each time you see them, they're younger. In fact, they're twenty-five years old right now. It's terrifying.
How do you ingratiate yourself with southwestern in-laws?
- Go hot-air ballooning with your in-laws! Everyone in the Southwest does it. How else do you pass the time in l00-degree heat? Remember, hot-air balloons aren't just for Dorothy & Co. They're for you, your in-laws, and nineteenth-century explorers.
- Vegas, baby! Anyone? Slot machines? Showgirls? People-watching? Shark tank at Mandalay Bay? (These are rhetorical questions. You don't have to answer them.) But you may want to propose them to your in-laws, when they bust out the tarot cards -- again. Hey, why don't you use those tarot cards to predict some winning hands of blackjack? As they say in the movies, it's just crazy enough to work, boss.
How to dress: A brightly patterned sundress and a
necklace made of the largest beads known to man.
What not to do: Say you prefer modern art.
Copyright 2007 Modern Mom, LLC. All rights reserved.
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