Parent Moments: Mom's a Liar

I try to make a distinction between lying and "playing". I carry on about how the Easter Bunny came to the house this morning, or how there may be dragons and unicorns in the woods, but if and when my daughter asks whether something is really real or am I just playing, I come clean. I find she doesn't ask that question often. When she does, I give her a closer approximation to the truth. I think trust is paramount in any relationship, even with a small child.

That said, I have to admit that when she asked whether Santa Claus was real, but failed to ask whether we were just playing, I told her that a lot of people believe in him, some people don't - and they don't get presents from him any more. I told her to keep in mind that the elves generally seem to bring toys and books, but as people get older and want presents that the elves don't make, that's when they stop believing.

Santa always brings me a pile of books, which I think my daughter finds reassuring.

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Telling the truth is always important. But be careful your truth is not always what they want. As the standing joke goes 6 year old Johnny ask his dad. "Where did I come from?" The dad pauses and a says: "Well..." Now his answer went from a - z. After he finishes, the son says "uh, Bobby said he came from Denver, Colorado."

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I am guilty of the Spiderman lie. When my son was three, I told him if he ate all of his corn he would stick to the wall like Spiderman because that's how Spiderman does it. I did feel a built guilty when he kept running on the deck into the vinyl siding of the house whining "it's not working!"

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Ok, I had to share this story about fibs. When my now 13 year old son was a toddler my extended family took a vacation to the Outer Banks. One morning my brother in law snuck down to the beach and barried a small treasure box in the sand. As we stood there and watched my son shout in delight with his discovery I realized just how instrumental a little fibbing can be in expanding a good imagination. BTW, the same trip he discovered that when he stomps his foot and nods his head just so, he produces magical powers that can turn on the TV. I think we tell lies to our children all the time. When they begin to understand the significance of consequenses to those lies, we need to begin to transform their imaginations into reality and emphasize the importance of truth in important situations.

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Honesty is truly the best policy, but for girls with special needs, I find it necessary to stretch the truth just a little bit. Their feelings are so fragile, and they are constantly being hurt by stares and comments from others for being different. Instead, I try to find some positive in the hurtful statements and dwell on that. Do they still believe in the Easter Bunny and Santa. You betcha. Life needs to have some make believe in order to tolerate the unpleasantness they must endure, but from the world and through their treatments.

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I really try to honest. I crushed my son when I told him about Santa and the Easter Bunny.

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I believe in being honest to a point and not going into details. For instance, when my daughter asked about Santa. I told her I believe in Santa. I didn't go into the details that it is the spirit of Santa. When my husband threw out some toys and my daughter asked if I knew where they were, I could honestly say "no." I honestly do not know where the trash goes when it leaves my house, but I didn't tell her all that. However, I have been known to tell a very strong willed 3 year old that the Boogey Man will be coming to babysit if he didn't get in the car right now. You do what you have to do to keep them safe and yourself sane:)

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Sometimes the lie is kinder than the truth. My granddaughter loves all animals. She couldn't hurt a fly. One day she asked me where beef came from. Without considering, I told her it came from cows. She looked at me with big blue eyes round as saucers and said "They don't kill the cows, do they?" I took a deep breath and replied "No, they just wait for them to die." She had peace on that subject for a number of years before one of her classmates told her the awful truth.

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There is a difference between simple keeping the peace and lying. I keep the peace with the Easter Bunny, Santa and the Tooth Fairy but I wouldn't lie about things the girls might hear in the news or overhear on the school bus.

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