Parent Moments: Guests at the Funeral

My father had been sick for about two months before passing away at home from cancer. My only daughter at the time was almost 1 1/2. We talked to her daily that he was sick and that he loved her so much. The morning of his passing, my husband brought her over. She went to the hospital bed in their bedroom and said "Papa, peekaboo?" Immediately, we told her Papa isn't sick anymore and now he was in Heaven with God, but especially in her heart. She got sad but then hugged me saying, "I love my Papa. Now I hold him lots!"
She attended both funerals and helped make the photo collage.
Still to this day, she's 4 1/2, when asked she'll say "My Papa's in Heaven and in my heart" with a huge smile!
*Since going through something so tramatic, she's been able to associate people/things dying to that... now when a pet fish, family member, or friend passes, she'll say, "It's okay, Papa will take care of them=)"

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I just had this conversation with a casual friend. My dilemma was that I experienced the death of a friend when I was a senior in High School and took it very hard-to the point that my parents became upset-because I had not had the opportunity to deal with an unexpected death before. In the conversation, we both immediately related back to our children and our questions on how they would deal with the "forever" loss and then the rituals that go along with it.

I was struck by your passage about sitting down in the front row and realizing that you were going to "...lose it."

As a mother, I know-KNOW-that my children are profoundly attached to my every movement, thought, action, etc. I often joke that the umbilical cords should still be attached! After reading your story, I think that I will have discussion with my children about what my reactions might be-along with the ususal discussions about death. A discussion about mourning.

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I myself had to deal with the passing of my mother and my son was not quite two years old. I took him to the wake so he could say good-bye to his grammie as he was very close to her and he just couldn't grasp why she wouldn't wake up. I tried to explain that she was going to HEAVEN but for a wee one the concept just wasn't there yet. In 2000, my father passed and my son, then sixteen took his pappy's death extremely hard, he had spent the previous two weeks with my father before his death so upon his death he chose not to attend the funeral. Then in October of 2007 I lost a very young niece and my son was a pallbearer for her funeral and we visited my fathers grave and he told me of his childhood memories of my mothers funeral. So, I do feel it is a wonderful thing to let your children go as they also need closure in their life as well as we do. My son just got his closure for his pappy in October of 2007. Thank you for letting me shre this.

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My mom passed away when our son had just turned three, so we had him come to the wake and say goodbye at the casket. He attended the funeral, but didn't ask many questions. When my mother in law passed away,our son had just turned six. Again he attended the wake and funeral. He saw the hole where the casket was to be buried, and we answered his questions about what would happen to grandma next.Now I know if someone else close to us passes away, he will have a clearer concept of what that really means. I have friends who were denied access to a loved one's funeral as a child, and they still resent it today. I didn't want that for our son. It also makes death less scary and mysterious. My sister and I always attended funerals as a show of respect, but also to understand that this person was someone we would no longer see, but that we still loved.

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I myself just went through dealing with the passing of my father. It was an accidental death just days before Thansgiving. My children ages 5 and 18mo.went to the funeral. I felt this is a part of life and since it was a close relative that they should be there. Of course it didn't affect my 18mo. old but my 5 yr old was very sad and it took some time before she went up to the casket to say a prayer. I didn't know it at the time but she went up by herself and while she was up there, other visitors walked up to say a prayer and she politely told them she is praying to her grandfather could they please step back. Everyone adored and respected her private moment with her grandpa.

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Death is a part of life we must all meet. To expose your children to it at an early age takes the scary out.It make death not bad and feared but just part of the full circle and makes it easier to accept if they hear of someone else dying, that they know better. It is normal and not something spoken of in quite corners. Funerals to day unlike the past are a chance to celebrate a life rather than to say good bye. It can be a beautiful time for family and friends to share what they remember and loved about someone now gone.

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My children were about the same age when they attended their Grandmother's funeral. They stayed with relatives for most of the time but they were curious about where we were and what was going on so their Aunt brought our 5 and 4 year old to the viewing for a short time. When Sean the 5 year old went up to the casket he stood contemplating for a moment. Then because the lower half of the casket was closed he wanted to know if Grandma's feet had gone to heaven first.We had a very caring funeral director who was standing with us to field any "hard" questions they might have, butt his was a first, he kindly explained that her legs were still with her just covered up. He has remained our friend and recently related, 19 years later, that he still uses that story to ease others worries about their children. Unfortunately my children have had to attend to many funerals but I think taking them when they were young and being open with them has taken the "scary" part out of a sad obligation.

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I think that taking your kids to the funeral was a great idea because now they will always have a special memory. I am 29 years old now and I still remember that when I was 4 my grandfather passed away and my parents made me stay home, even though I begged to go to the funeral. It obviously affected me because I still remember it so vividly.

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I, too, wondered if I should take my 3 year old daughter to my grandfathers funeral. I decided to ask my mom her opinion, esp. since it was her dad who has passed on. She very much believed Katelyn should be there, as she and my grandfather were very close. My mom reminded me how much joy my daughter brought to her "Old Pap" , how his face lit up every time we visited him at the retirement home and, above all, how he looked "proud as a peacock" as he walked with her hand in hand down to lunch each time we were there. The day of the funeral was, of course, a very sad day for us all and maybe some people would say I shouldn't have brought her but as everyone sat quietly sobbing and wiping their tears my sweet little girl announce ever so loudly "I have to poop!" Well, at such a sad event, everyone broke out in laughter and, although inappropriate, she made his funeral a little easier to get through, and I know my Pap was laughing right along with everyone else.

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