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Managing the Mean Girls
Rated by 3 members
"Mommy, some of the girls on the playground weren't very nice today," Julia, my 4th-grader, blurted out suddenly over her after-school snack. She was more subdued than usual when I picked her up at school and I could tell that something was amiss.
"What happened?" I asked. As I plopped myself down next to her, she rapidly recounted the various playground disagreements that included some very manipulative social maneuverings. Her stories immediately brought back ugly memories of social ostracism, cliques, and meanness that I encountered in sixth grade, that had continued through my freshman year in high school — all experiences I wanted to help her avoid — and immediately my mother-bear persona reared her head.
The next day I contacted our school guidance counselor to ask her advice. After I described what was going on, her tone became serious and she didn't sugarcoat things. "In fourth grade, the social landscape for girls really starts changing and it can be the beginning of a difficult time. I'm glad you alerted me to the situation because we can help the girls work through this at school," she said. She then suggested that I read up on the culture of pre-teen girls, recommending several books and web sites.
After doing my homework I learned that whispering, teasing, gossiping, and cliques are all elements of girl-bullying and aggression. Psychologists and school counselors consistently report that an open dialogue between parents and their daughters about what goes on socially at school is very beneficial. They stress that parents not ignore these problems or tell their daughters that they're "just going through a phase."
For pre-teen girls like my daughter Julia, experts recommend that parents help their daughters by teaching them how to identify role models, learn to be socially assertive, adopt a supportive and positive strategy with friends, and recognize and avoid mean behavior toward other girls. Role-playing and teaching healthy conflict resolution skills will also give your daughter the ability to better navigate the social minefield.
If your daughter becomes the target of bullying or aggression, listen to her and assure her that it's not her fault. It's important to let your school know if you suspect that your child is being bullied: don't confront the bully or her parents yourself.
At the library I discovered several excellent books on this subject, including: ODD GIRL OUT by Rachel Simmons, and QUEEN BEES AND WANNABEES by Rosalind Wiseman. There are also helpful web site resources such as www.safeyouth.org, www.girlshealth.gov, and www.kidshealth.org.
After some role-playing to practice how to identify and extricate herself from negative playground situations, Julia felt more confident about recess again. I also reached out to some of Julia's beloved girlfriends from her preschool days to arrange some play time away from the social groups at school.
For the moment, at least, this mother bear has managed to help her cub find a positive path through the social jungle.
Member Comments On…
Managing the Mean Girls
Thank you so much for this entry!! My 4th grade daughter has had a hard year with the cliques and mean girls in her class. I plan on reading the books mentioned and I am hoping I can guide her through this time and 5th grade might just turn out to be a bit better.....hopefully.
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Thanks so much for this! My daughter - a 5th grader - is battling this now. And the "mean girl" is her "best friend" since kindergarten. I did speak to the mom - we've known each other and been friends all these years. And she proceeded to point out how my daughter could have been at fault and that she was sure her daughter "didn't mean anything" by picking on my daughter every day in the locker room for more than a week. (Among other things.) One teacher recommended www.daughters.com - as well as the books you mentioned.
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Having suffered the worst of these exclusion games in school, I immediately dove into Odd Girl Out & Queen Bees as soon as my daughter was born. Another book which has helped ( though in a different way ) is Reviving Ophelia. In Ophelia, the author investigates the differences between girls who seem to lose themselves in adolescence, and those who seem to sail through it. Though the method is different, I think it has helped me to help my daughter remain true to herself in the face of this bullying. I highly recommend any of these books, in addition to working with school counselor, teachers, etc. And keep the lines of communication open at all times !
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My 4th grade daughter began experiencing these relational aggression issues as soon as school started last fall. One girl, who she considered to be one of her best friends, was spreading rumors, calling her names and getting friends to gang up on her. The worst part was that this girl spent every Wednesday afternoon at our house (I'm their Girl Scout Leader) and was perfectly nice to my daughter. My daughter suffered extreme anxiety over the situation and began missing school. Speaking to the girl's mom, whom I considered my friend, only made things worse. I recommend books by Trudy Ludwig, "My Secret Bully" and "Just Kidding" are excellent picture books to share with groups of children.
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Even homeschooling, we weren't able to keep the girl cattiness away from our oldest. Her "friends" did come from our church, but that did not stop those issues, I spent many a night consoling an upset teen girl. I think that keeping that communication open between you and your girl(s) is the best coping tool. I don't really know about the books mentioned. She is not even friends with most of the girls anymore now that she(& they) are in college. WIth our younger children their peer group is each other. For now no Youth Group, it is no different than school in this regard.
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It is hard to be a kid! I have a daughter in 3rd grade and we have already begun the dreaded playground drama, as I call it. However, never letting my daughter in on my title for it. I think it is very important for her to have friends outside her class and school. She is involved in a 4-H club, takes dance and piano, and also has friends within our church. I believe it's important as well for my son who is only 6. Their youth group through church is great too for building good social skills too! GREAT role models! The more positive situations we as parents can introduce to our children the BETTER they can handle the playground drama!
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This is such an important topic! I really liked Queen Bees and Wanna Bees. Odd Girl Out is another excellent book on the topic. My kids both navigated their way through these types of situations, and they are both much more confident now for having handled them successfully. (I, too, got involved and asked school counselors and teachers for help.) Although it's hard to watch kids go through this, there are good life lessons to be learned.
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