Howler for Grandpa

Caitlin, Ellie and I are discussing over Eggos and bananas the total embarrassment of receiving a Howler — those public, owl-delivered, talking-letter parental tirades that occur several times in the Harry Potter series.

The girls are particularly tickled at the scene in book two, when after stealing the family car, Ron receives a Howler from his mom in front of the whole school. In the midst of ranting at Ron, his mom breaks off into a sugary voice and congratulates sister Ginny for making Gryffindor House, then quickly reverts to shrieking at Ron in a voice that would wake the dead.

"That's it!" I shout, interrupting their giggles. "We'll send Bob a howler!"

Bob is my dad, the girls' grandfather who wasn't quite ready to be called Gramps when they were born nine plus years ago.

Three months ago, he had surgery to replace his right hip, and to be honest, he's been terribly lax about following the doc's orders regarding the follow-up exercise regimen. We want him back to his old fun-loving, stone-wall building self, and we've been trying to find ways to cheer him up and get him back on track.

For a couple of days, we brainstorm about just how to send the Howler. We'd love to go high-tech with some electronic method to deliver the message, but it's not my strong suit, so instead we opt for the old-fashioned paper route.

Ellie makes a big envelope out of red card stock (Howlers are always red), simply by folding each corner of the square sheet toward the center point. While she adorns the envelope's back with a big, mean-looking mouth, angry eyes, and nose, Caitlin gets busy on the owl.

(There is some debate over whether the owl should be Harry's Hedwig or Ron's Pigwidgeon. Pig wins.)

My favorite touch is her three-dimensional beak — she folds a big yellow triangle in half and tapes it on the face.

Together they craft a letter on yellow "parchment." It threatens a certain unfortunate visit from Dumbledore and includes a sweet aside to their grandmother about a yummy dessert she'd made for them. They signed the letter "Hermoine, Ron, Harry, George, Fred, and Ginny" and carefully stowed it inside the red envelope along with the owl — then sealed it with tape (lots).

We put it in the mailbox today, wishing we could be flies on the wall to see Bob's reaction.

The girls are already plotting their next Howler victim. Aunt D'Arcy is a natural choice. After all, she introduced Caitlin and Ellie to the wonders of J.K. Rowling's wizarding world. She hasn't stepped out of line yet, but when she does, they'll be ready.