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Super Mom Syndrome
Rated by 1 member
"Do that many moms really have issues with this?" my husband asks innocently, looking over my shoulder as I read BE HAPPY WITHOUT BEING PERFECT. I'm slightly amazed that he doesn't realize how many women are stuck on the hamster wheel, constantly running to make life just so on all counts but never quite reaching their goals.
After berating myself for cutting a deadline too close, allowing a paper pile-up in my office, and failing to tick off all of yesterday's lengthy work to do-list, I'd started sorting one of those cluttery piles that screamed, "You're so disorganized!" Lucky for me, the heap contained a book that had been sitting in my inbox for two weeks, BE HAPPY WITHOUT BEING PERFECT by Alice D. Domar, Ph.D., and Alice Lesch Kelly.
Like most moms, I keep quiet about the struggle to juggle it all. To admit the challenges of maintaining a career, raising kids, keeping a tidy house, volunteering at school, training for a road race, and making chocolate chip cookies every week shows weakness -- a perfectionist's worst enemy.
Trouble is, keeping the pressure to myself comes at a price. Mine is a short fuse with my kids and husband, shoulder muscles tight as steel rods, booming 5 p.m. headaches, and little time for anything left over but collapsing into bed at the end of the day, where I then rehash all the things I should have done better.
But I'm paying less now, thanks to the tool kit in Domar's latest book. After the eye-opening quiz that laid bare my perfectionist tendencies, I've adopted a few of her strategies for putting me first and getting Martha Stewart off my back. My favorite is learning to identify the myths that perpetuate stress -- what Domar calls "auto-thoughts" -- and tracing their origins.
It's powerful stuff, unearthing the real culprits and learning to strike the word "should" from my vocabulary. As in, I'd love to sit and read A THOUSAND SPLENDID SUNS for even ten minutes, but I should be prepping dinner/playing trains with Talie/practicing multiplication facts with Caitlin/insert-any-chore-here. There's nothing more freeing than turning a should to a could, and thinking, hey, it's good enough.
The follow up -- learning to visualize a red stop sign to halt a runaway thought pattern and redirect it -- helps me stop a downward spiral. It's effective for everything from panicking that I'm losing work time when my daughter gets strep throat to feeling responsible for keeping a smile on all my kids' faces 24/7.
And if I get stuck again, I'll dive back into those pages, which are full of strategies for dealing with perfectionism for all areas of life, from parenting to decision-making. I also find Domar's other techniques helpful, like journaling, building in mini-relaxation breaks, and practicing mindfulness and active gratitude. Either way, I'm always sure to find a nugget of wisdom to help me beat up myself less and enjoy motherhood more. And that's pretty perfect.
Do you feel pressure to be "super mom"? How do you deal with it? Click the comments link below to share ideas.
Member Comments On…
Super Mom Syndrome
On being a super Mom try to remember ist's about being Mom, not how much STUFF you and your kids can do. The best Mom's according to most kids I know (Not Just MY Own) just spend time with their kids.
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I have been there and done that, and occasionally still struggle sometimes. But my savior is the Flylady, at Flylady.net. Number one, it was free and that was a blessing in itself, and two, it is EASY. Very easy. No more "self help" books for me.
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The syndrome began when we went back to work. We wanted to be the perfect moms who baked cookies, kept an immaculate house and did all of those "mommy" things. However, it's not reality. We need to acknowledge the limited # of hours in the day and recognize that we need to make memories. If you can't write "I love you" in the dust on the coffee table, you are worrying too much about the house : ).
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I guess at some point we all feel the deficiencies that are innate of motherhood. I struggle to be a super mom not just by doing the chores that lay before me but by trying to bring happy scar free kids. Sometimes I have to stop myself and do a quit check up to make sure that we are focused on the things that really matter,like laughing together, hugging each other and spending time not hurried time together. This often means less material wealth but definitely more emotional wealth which is something that alot of families lack nowadays.
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My children are 10 and 6 and I've decided to return to school to be a nurse. There are a lot of things that have to go undone because there just aren't enough hours in the day. I use every shortcut I can find to run our house. When I needed to make cookies for Valentine's day, we purchased the slice and bake kind. The kids love them so why not? I don't have to make 4 batches from scratch. As long as laundry is washed, I'm ok with it not making it back to the closets. I've dubbed the laundry room the "Family Walk-in Closet". People laugh but hey, it works for me. Why make the beds? No one is going to see them and we're just going to mess them up again tonight. I've cut out the busy so I can just do. I still make time to read favorite books, help the kids, volunteer at school, go to my own classes and study. I'm actually loving every minute of my life right now.
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I definitely need this book. Every day I think that if there were just 2 more hours in the day then I would be able to get everything done. It is hard to tell yourself that you cannot do everything. I think that moms are ingrained to believe that they have to do everything themselves. It is hard to give up certain chores when you know that if you don't do it yourself then it won't get done the correct way. My husband hates it!!
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I recently wrote an article on this topic. I think part of the solution is figuring out how we got these unrealistic ideas about what we should be doing and trying to reverse those concepts. All we really NEED to do is be happy!
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These authors also wrote a great book on infertility that was very helpful to me. I'm definitely getting this one, and probably copies for some of my friends, too! When I take time to do some of these self-nurture techniques, it makes a huge difference. It's good to be reminded of that.
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I am going to buy the book ASAP!!!!!!!!!!
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I love the concept of thinking of could instead of should. It makes everything seem as less of a chore and more of a priveledge which changes my attitude about whatever it is. As my attitude changes, the better everything seems. I am going to write this where I can look at it often!
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