Squashing Sibling Squabbles

The sister squabbles were clearly spiraling out of hand when Caitlin arrived at breakfast one morning and pulled her chair to the far end of the counter, away from Natalie. Ellie arrived a minute later and did the same on the opposite end. Talie tried to move closer to Cait, who erected a barricade of four cereal boxes between them.

This, among other incidents, sent me scouring the parenting shelves at the library. I came up with SIBLINGS WITHOUT RIVALRY: HOW TO HELP YOUR CHILDREN LIVE TOGETHER SO YOU CAN LIVE TOO. After gaining some helpful insight, I tried one of the authors' exercises.

The girls and I gathered on the porch. The instructions were simple: list three things that you like about each sister. But there was a caveat: they had to be specific — "She's nice" wouldn't cut it.

Things didn't start well. Both Caitlin and Ellie led with, "I don't like it when she..."

I gently reminded them that this conversation was for positives. Ellie got the hang of it, commenting that Caitlin is a good listener and helps her do her homework so they can get on to play time. Talie scored points for sharing, even her brand-new doll clothes. Talie particularly liked that Ellie reads to her, and that Caitlin makes good rules for playing Groovy Girls. Drawing out Caitlin's comments was a bit like pulling dandelions from the lawn, but eventually she conceded a few favorables.

Half an hour later, there was an awful row while the girls were painting. It culminated in one slashing a big blue 'X' over another's artwork. So much for that attempt, I thought.

Yet the next morning, Talie and Ellie happily played school before breakfast. Then all three sat together like turtles sunning on a log over their cereal, and no boxes were employed. After school, things were mostly civil.

It seems there is power indeed in the simple act of focusing on what's good about having a sister, and not just any sister, but yours. Of course, one go-round isn't enough, so occasionally I post those lists of "likes" up on the fridge, or simply remind the girls to recall what they like about each other. The results may not be as quick as hitting the "refresh" button on the computer, but it helps inspire more good patches and limit the ugly outbursts.