Give Your Relationship a Gift for the Holidays
The song may say "It's the most wonderful time of the year."
But there's one part of life that can seem less than magical during the holiday season – your relationship with your partner. As the holidays loom, exhaustion, lack of communication and an imbalance in family responsibility leave many moms feeling overwhelmed and more than a little ticked off.
"Women are raised to do what I call 'mother sacrifice,'" says Los Angeles relationship expert Stacy Kaiser. "We put ourselves aside for everyone else. It's particularly true at the holidays. We buy the gifts, wrap them, bake, decorate and so on. While we may enjoy all that, we get depleted. And we need someone to fill us back up."
In response, Kaiser says the most common argument guys have is that they wish their wives would be clearer about what kind of help they need.
So how do you bridge the gap? Kaiser says the first step to making the holiday season work is for both parties to take responsibility for their part.
"We women have a very specific vision about things we're invested in; gifts, decorations or the way to set a table. But we rarely want to take the time to be that specific with our partners. We want them to be psychic."
Kaiser says that leaves us with three choices:
- Let it go and allow him to do it his way.
- Give specific detailed instructions and relax. If it's not perfect, deal with it.
- Do it yourself. But if you choose this option, don't complain that it's all on your shoulders.
Choosing one of these options and going with it will do wonders to help your relationship, Kaiser says. "We lose sight of the human being because we get caught up in specific details. Put your relationship first."
After you've cleared the air and set your course, keep things on track by putting romance on your holiday list. Try one, two, or all 5 of these tips to create a holiday spark and release some stress.
Mistletoe. Anyone who says a kiss is just a kiss isn't doing it right. "A kiss is an adrenaline rush," says Kaiser. "It releases endorphins. It's a great stress reliever if you do enough of it. It's the perfect way to connect quickly and sometimes, when you're not in the mood, it will get you there."
Shopping = Mini "Holi-Date." If you're already booking a sitter to go out and shop, why not make it a date? Tip: With stores open late, have the date part first. Because after pushing your way through aisles of toys and cranky crowds, the last thing on your mind will be romance.
12 Days of Christmas. Make a pact. Every day, leave an inexpensive treat or a note for each other in a place where it's guaranteed to be found. When you're busy and apart during the day, knowing someone thought of you feels good and helps create a mood before you're even together.
That's the Ticket. The most romantic gifts are those you can share together. Forget the kitchen gadgets and toolbox this year. Find a concert or event you can experience together and give each other a ticket for the holidays. Plus, it's something you can look forward to after the chaos is over!
Silent Night. Communicate without talking. Try pulling your partner close and spend even just five minutes dancing to your favorite holiday tunes. Dancing is one of the most intimate things you can do in public or private. Don't believe it? Try it. Kaiser says "It's a quick and easy way to connect. People always complain they don't have time. Everyone has time for that."
Member Comments On...
Give Your Relationship a Gift for the Holidays
2 |
I guess I'm lucky, my husband just lets me runs things when it comes to the holidays. But I do tell him what I want to accomplish and he either helps or gets out of the way. One nice thing that you can do for your spouse is after Christmas is usally a big downer for a lot of people. The 12 days of Christmas really start the 25 of Dec through the 6th of January. Leave the little love you notes or small gifts for them on those days and keep the magic going long after the "holiday" is over.
2 |
One thing we have learned through the years of trying to make the "perfect Christmas" is to not ignore the fact that children often want to enjoy the time that is created to celebrate the holidays with the family. They sense the stress, and that is not good. My boys, who are now aged 20, 18, and 13, have all agreed that they would rather spend some "quality time" with the family and give up some of the presents. So over the last few years, we have gone for less stuff, and for more time with each other. All the time we spent together was worth the presents that may have been soon forgotten. We also decorate together. The memories last! Now we have managed to get the larger family to join us on our holiday adventures sometimes, and we have found that the time spent together has been far better spent than time shopping. Love is the most important thing to share. HAPPY HOLIDAYS, everyone!
18 |
As the "husband" in the above scenario, I can confirm the statement that wives want us to be psychic. As a gender, we are raised to be problem solvers not to talk about a problem until we feel better. The long standing (15 years) joke in my house is when my wife begins to vent about an issue I say: ... and you have to wait for the appropriate moment to say this... "is this where you want me to solve it or just listen to you?". Clarity is the key here. It is a VERY male thing to hear a problem or concern and immediately jump in to take some sort of action. It's been my experience that when my wife is clear with me about whether she wants me to "do" something or just listen, no one's feelings get hurt. Wives: tell your husbands up front "I need you to listen to me for the next few minutes uninterrupted so I can tell you ALL about something that's bothering me. I (do or don't) want you to fix this". This is a sure way to avoid stressful confrontation at all times of the year!
