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Last night I went to bed feeling like a rotten mother.  I had stayed up late reading some blog posts about home-schooling (which I've never had the energy to even CONSIDER) and then another one from a close friend about being a stay-at-home mother and how important our jobs are.  Ideas started swirling around in my head and I realized that I had spent the entire day attempting to avoid my children so I could focus on my own needs, like cleaning the kitchen and making dinner and of course, writing.  I hadn't once stopped to truly focus on my children all day.  I'd merely gone about the running of the household, letting them tag along if they wanted to.  They spent most of the day playing together outside while I worked. 

Every few months I do this; I read something and over-analyze myself and the guilt mounts up and I feel terrible.  I start to think maybe it would be better for my kids if I went back to work and they had full-time childcare - someone watching them who was able to focus on THEM all day long instead of the myriad of other things that fill up my life every day.  I realize that this is mostly crazy talk, but it's still probably worth talking about.  I can't be the only one who feels like her time with her children isn't necessarily as productive as preschool might be.

A few months ago, I had a conversation with another mom at the mall play area.  We were talking about our kids and she mentioned that she saves all of her housework to do while her children are napping because she feels like it's her job to focus 100% of her energy on her kids while they're awake.  I was totally taken aback by this statement and to be honest, my first reaction was to think "step off the crazy train lady!  I'm pretty sure your kids will be fine while you clean the toilet!"  I would never want my kids to think that the entire world revolves around them.

And who spends that kind of time with their kids?  I certainly don't.  In fact, I would go so far as to say I'm not sure it would even be good for them.  It's my goal to raise independent children, children who think for themselves and are intellectually curious and creative enough to entertain themselves.  I've never once mistaken my role as a mother for a playmate.  That's not my job.  Children should play with other children.  I'm not against joining in or being a cheerleader, but I want my kids to learn to navigate the world on their own.  I feel strongly that self-confidence should be earned and that the best way to earn it is through learning to be independent.

Anyway, clearly I'm at one end of the "independence" spectrum and that play-area mom was at the other end.  I'm sure there's some perfect place in the middle, where our children don their own rubber gloves and enthusiastically scrub the toilets right along side of us.  I'm not there yet, but I'm also going to try not to beat myself up about it.  Sure, I ignored my kids while I scrubbed the greasy underside of my stove yesterday afternoon, but my kids were busy ignoring me while they chased eachother around pretending to be dinosaurs in the backyard the whole time.  I'm not sure that was such a bad thing!  I certainly feel like I could do better, though and these little guilt trips are always a good wake up call.