5  | 

I found this helpful Thank You! Your vote will be tallied soon!

2007 was an incredibly difficult year for me - mostly of my own making. I had a bit of an early mid-life crisis: at one point, I was unsure I wanted to be married, a mother, an employee, or anything. I ran away from home for a few days (yeah, really! And no, I didn't blog about that!) and did more soul-searching in a year than I ever had in my entire life.

The conclusion I came to was this: I do love my husband, and I do love my children and being their mommy. These things offer more joy and promise than I was allowing them to.

I think my problem was being so driven all the time, so goal-oriented. And my goals were evolving into more selfish desires that, frankly, didn't include a husband and kids. I wanted to be an Ironman. I wanted to have the fun that people in their early 20s, without kids and real responsibilities, have. After all, I finished college when I was 21; attended graduate school full-time while working full-time until I was 23; then was pregnant and married at 24. I felt like I missed something that other people got, and for some reason, I got restless this year and wanted it now.

Fortunately, a miracle happened. One day, I couldn't see any possible way to get my marriage and my life back on track; then the next day I woke up and I could. It was just that easy. I still made some mis-steps between then and now, and unfortunately I recognize I will probably make more mistakes as I work to repair hurt relationships. But I'm on the right path.

These experiences showed me how fragile and precious relationships are, and how important it is to give them their due respect. It amazes me that my husband loves me. I sometimes ask him for a list of reasons why. But I'm learning love isn't like that: it can't be pinned down and defined that way. It's as ethereal and vague as it is strong and real, and it needs to be experienced, not analyzed.

So as I reflect back on this year, I cringe at the horrible things I said and did. But I know regretting those things and humbling myself to ask for forgiveness helps me become a better person. I didn't know what I was capable of doing before it was done; I now know there's a much greater gray area around what can be forgiven and what can be recovered from.

And I also take amazing memories with me: the moment I said "I love you" to my husband after not telling him for months that I even cared - and the way he looked at me like it was the most important thing he'd ever heard. The kisses my baby girl lavishes on me daily; the older she gets, the more affectionate she becomes. The great days I spent bonding with my boy - skiing, bike riding, playing board games. It's those things I need to keep close to me when selfish thoughts creep back in, as they inevitably will.