Would You Rat Out Another Mom’s Kid?

Posted February 22, 2011

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Posted Tuesday, February 22, 2011 by Jackie Morgan MacDougall

Kim sat at the dinner table with her son, talking about the day's events when Sam asked his mom if he could repeat a song he had heard at school. The next thing she knew, her seven-year-old boy was singing obscene lyrics, dirty enough to make Lady Gaga blush.

What the...?

Knowing the boy who had turned her kid onto a new genre of musical maelstrom, Kim wondered if she should broach the subject with his mom.

Jennifer and her boys arrived for an afternoon at an old friend's house. The kids have known each other since they were babies, but living 45 miles from each other, they don't often get together.

During the visit, Jennifer noticed that her friend's son was acting aggressively toward her kids, telling them they weren't allowed to touch anything, insulting them and a couple of times, physically shoving one of her kids. Given Jennifer's friend had been under a lot of stress, she handled it quietly.

Should she tell her friend about her son's behavior after the fact?

Susan and her family live in a close knit community where neighbors have become close friends, both with the kids and the parents. She recently discovered that one of her teenage sons had been drinking for months, sometimes under the supervision of whom she considered a best friend. To add insult to injury, the rest of the neighborhood knew what was going on.

Did her friend have an obligation to tell her about her son's conduct and share her own views on allowing teenage drinking in her home?

These are three very different scenarios but have one thing in common. One mom knows something about another's kid, something that could potentially become a bigger issue. But should she always tell her?

Some say "yes."

Ellen swears by the "mom code," something she and some other moms came up with when their kids were little. The code was pact that would obligate each of the moms to remain honest about any facts and/or rumors they may have seen/heard about another's child. They also vowed to support each other without judgment when they did, in fact, discover something about the others' family.

But others say absolutely not. In fact, one mom who prefers to remain nameless says she follows a hard and fast rule to never get involved, even if it means losing a friendship over it.

Therapist Stacy Kaiser, author of How to Be a Grownup, says each situation is unique and needs careful consideration of the risks versus the fall out.

Is the child or someone else in potential danger? If so, you should absolutely speak up.
How close is your friendship with the other mom? If you consider her a real friend, you owe it to her to be honest.
What are the potential consequences for you or your family? Safety concerns, school repercussions or social ramifications are valid.

Kaiser says when it comes to friends, the best thing to do is discuss before circumstances arise. Asking "If I were to know something about your kid, would you want to know?" can help avoid misunderstandings later as well as create mutual trust and respect.

So... you had to know I was going to ask... would you want to know?

Jackie Morgan MacDougall is a TV-executive turned parenting blogger who lives a crazy life with her husband and three small kids. Her dreams of climbing the corporate ladder have been replaced by the dream of one day having a nap. You can find more of her musings at The Silver Whining.

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