From the Hip

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Real moms take on real issues

From the Hip

Real moms take on real issues

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When the Other Parent Screws Up...

Posted March 03, 2011
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Posted Thursday March 3, 2011 by Jackie Morgan MacDougall

This week, you can't turn on the TV or surf the Web without being bombarded with Sheen Watch 2011. Charlie's tirade tour continues to monopolize the media with no chance of slowing down anytime soon.

While most of us don't exactly live Sheen's 'winning' life of drugs, complete with live in 'goddesses' and Adonis DNA, I know many who can relate to the role ex-wife Denise Richards needs to play. Not only does his public insanity force her to physically parent her girls on her own, but she's also left to deal with the emotional fallout Sheen's actions may create -- something I'm guessing she's had to do a few times before now.

And she's not alone there.

Whether parents are still together under the same roof or living separate lives across the country from each other, it's not uncommon for one to have to shield kids from the other's bad behavior, comforting fears and answering the tough questions that follow.

What do we tell the kids about the other parent's bad behavior?

Alcohol and substance abuse... explosive tempers... and empty promises of phone calls and scheduled visits are just a few everyday examples that leave kids sad and confused. And I'm not just talking dads here. I know one mom who enjoys a girls' night out around five nights a week, only home the other two to recover from the night before.

With scenarios like that, it's not surprising that the other parent struggles to keep quiet and is sometimes filled with so much frustration and anger that they emotionally explode, ultimately bad-mouthing the irresponsible parent. It's something Chris has struggled not to do for years, finally turning a corner recently when she took a big step in letting go of her anger. "You help them bake Valentine's cookies for the other parent. And hold down the bile that is rising up in your throat."

But what happens when the kids start asking questions? For Kim, who's often left to pick up the pieces her erratic ex leaves behind, that was her cue to turn to a professional for help. Through a lot of soul searching, therapy and experience, Kim has now learned to do what she can, while letting go of that she can't control. "It is not the job of one parent to explain the other parent's behavior ... our knee jerk reaction is to "make it ok" for the child who might be hurting. Making excuses or justifications for another person's actions, is dangerous."

Before trying to comfort your child by convincing them the other parent does, in fact, love them, consider this. Consoling them by saying things like "I am sure he/she loves you, even after missing your basketball game three weeks in a row" can actually backfire. It can send the message that "love means not having to show up," something that they could carry over into future relationships.

Kim advises others like her to be careful and step back whenever possible. "Your job is to let [the relationship between your child and the other parent] evolve to some extent between them. Be a champion when it goes great, and a consoling shoulder when pain stems from it."

Being a safe, supportive place for your child will not only allow them to grow emotionally, but ultimately can create a stronger bond that will carry you together for years to come.

 

Jackie Morgan MacDougall is a TV-executive turned parenting blogger who lives a crazy life with her husband and three small kids. Her dreams of climbing the corporate ladder have been replaced by the dream of one day having a nap. Read more of her daily musings at TheSilverWhining.com


Related Articles on Family.com:

Warning Sign Teens Are Using Drugs

How to Raise Kids After a Divorce

Why Moms Should Try Tweeting

Secret Life of Celebrity Moms

 

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