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Posted Wednesday June 30, 2010 by Jackie Morgan MacDougall

I love the 4th of July. It's one of those holidays that never fails to provide my family lasting memories. Each year is consistently filled with sunshine and a new family first: first fireworks... first camping trip... first time I was asked "Mommy, can I have a gun?"

Ummm, excuse me?

Here was my baby boy, not even potty trained, with a big grin on his face and a bright yellow toy rifle in his hand. I remember wanting to yank it away and demand he never, ever think about guns -- EVER! But I forced myself to be reasonable. He was playing with his older cousins back east and I knew there was only one thing worse than playing with guns -- being the kid with the embarrassing, overprotective mother. Besides, we could enforce our no-guns policy when we were back home on our own turf, right?

Wrong.

Guns are unavoidable! Movies (have you seen Toy Story?), action figures and even the local 4th of July parade are just vehicles for gun fantasies, if you're a boy with an active imagination. And while we couldn't keep our son, and the one 16 months behind him, from seeing weapons everywhere they turned, we could still enforce our own rules, saying no to swords, sabers and even water guns.

But it was the minute our son bit his grilled cheese sandwich into the shape of a gun, we realized this was one fight we needed to approach differently. And it made me wonder: Are parents too uptight when it comes to gun play? Some of us cringe at even the word "gun," yet we use our own version to shoot glue or staples and even attach one to the end of a hose.

The gun dilemma hit Colleen's family recently when her five year old received a couple of Nerf guns for his birthday. "Up until now, I have had a no guns policy, but I wonder if I am the only one? He has made "blasters" out of Legos, but the idea of an actual gun (or in the Nerf case, a MACHINE GUN!) bugs me."

When I polled other parents (and some not-yet parents), there was no shortage of passionate responses. Not one person -- parent or otherwise -- condoned the idea of a realistic toy gun. But what was interesting was that those who say "no way" to blasters, lasers, swords, etc. (like I did), most of them have children under five. Is it just another case of "never say never"?

Melissa, a mom of teen boys and a younger daughter, admits she spent those first years shielding her boys from violence (see: Power Rangers) and gun play. But she sees this topic as another one that gets a little more clear as the kids get older, eventually realizing, "the key is teaching them the difference between "pretend" and "real" and what the consequences are." She adds, "Don't sugar coat it. They need to know what a real weapon can do to someone." Her sons now own an Airsoft gun and paintball guns. "Yes, the Airsoft guns look real except for the plastic orange tips. [My son] carries them in duffel bags en route to the Airsoft places. He does not shoot them in the neighborhoods. He wears all the protective gear when playing against his friends. He knows to keep them out of public view for fear someone might think they're the "real" thing."

Renee, who has a degree in Psychology, was against allowing kids to play with toy guns, until she actually raised boys. "I think that some boys NEED to do it -- it's like an extension of their testosterone...and if we, as parents, make sure they know that real guns kill -- and are taught to have respect for that, then I don't see any real problem in it." For her kids, gun play is just one side of her boy's personality. "My son and his friends run around this cul-de-sac with sticks and shoot each other. Then they'll turn around and oohh and aahh over the neighbor's little dog when she comes out for a walk. It's hilarious."

Through my own life experience and hours of research on the topic, I can't find one kid who turned to a life of violence after playing with a lime green water gun. And while therapist Stacy Kaiser also agrees that real-looking toy guns are more of a problem, she says that parents can often focus on the wrong side of the issue, choosing to just refuse the toys instead of discussing and educating kids about the risks. "Owning a gun does not create violence, just like owning a cooking set doesn't mean you have a cook on your hands. We buy baseball equipment but that doesn't create a major league player. It's when kids confuse the fake one with the real gun that the problem arises."

But therein lies the greatest issue of all. Kids can't confuse fake guns with the real deal if they don't have access to a real gun. Elizabeth, wife of a police officer and mom to a 21-month-old agrees. Her policy in a house full of (locked-up) guns is to avoid toy guns until her son understands and can tell the difference between real and pretend. "My husband has had cases at work of children shooting other siblings because they thought they were "toys" or  just "curious" because the parents never broached the subject until it was too late."

Even as I sat here writing this post, my kids were enjoying some old school Tom & Jerry. Not 30 seconds into the show, Tom was holding a gun to Jerry's face. While I still have the knee-jerk reaction to change it to Sesame Street, I know my own brothers and I saw this episode (or one like it) while growing up in the '70s and, believe it or not, we didn't become violent gang bangers. Sure, my siblings had their boyhood antics, using G.I. Joe to take over Barbie's dream house or infiltrating my Easy Bake Oven with tiny army men. But somehow, those same brothers have avoided a life of crime, instead opting for a healthy life with good jobs and wonderful kids.

Do you allow toy guns in your house? Why or why not?

Jackie Morgan MacDougall is a TV-executive turned parenting blogger who lives a crazy life with her husband and three small kids. Her dreams of climbing the corporate ladder have been replaced by the dream of one day having a nap.

Related Articles on Family.com:

Understanding the Appeal of Gun Play

Throw a Toy Story Party

Raising Confident Sons Who Have Respect for Others