The Daddy Double Standard

Posted January 27, 2010

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Posted Wednesday January 27, 2010 by Jackie Morgan MacDougall

I'm a working mom. While I experience the blessing and the curse of working from home (I liken it to running a marathon in a swimming pool - possible but takes 50 times longer) I do have meetings and commitments and sometimes have to miss out on time with the kids.

Years ago, my husband and I made the choice that he would work nights. For us, it was the best solution, allowing one parent to always be available and involved with all that is required when your kids are in preschool and kindergarten. While my schedule is flexible and I'm able to volunteer regularly, take the kids on play dates and sit through countless hours of Tae Kwon Do classes, sometimes it's Dad who does all of the above. And if I was totally honest with you, I would say I think sometimes he does it better, homing in on his ability to be rational when I might lose my cool.

Recently, our parenting roles created a little debate. I had invited a bunch of local friends to a work event I was putting on. While I didn't expect that everyone would be able to come on a Friday morning, I was taken aback by one friend's RSVP.

Sorry...I'll be at [Parent Volunteer Club]...where you should be too...but I guess your other half will be there, so it's better than none of you!

My first reaction was "Are you kidding me? Am I seriously being judged for not being there when I constantly bust my butt to be as involved as I possible can?" But my attitude quickly turned into anger in defense of my husband. Why is he constantly the target of backhanded compliments, with terms like "Mr. Mom" and "involved dad" used to describe him when he's just doing his job as a parent?

The daddy double standard ticks me off. My husband did feedings when my kids were babies, has taken them on occasion to the doctor when they were sick and has even released a kids' CD, because they love to play music with Daddy. But was my friend saying that his physical presence at "parent" volunteer club was only one step above neither one of us showing up?

CBS News and the Wall Street Journal reported a few years back on a German study that showed dads who "played with their 2-year-olds in sensitive, supportive, and challenging ways" showed stronger bonds when those kids were between the ages of 10 and 16. In addition, "kids less attached to their dads at age 5 were more anxious, withdrawn, and less self-confident at age 9, which translated to less acceptance by peers and less well-adjusted at school."

Research from UC Riverside also shows that "when fathers do housework with their children, their kids turn out to be better adjusted and more socially aware." They also threw in that dads who do more housework generally have better sex lives with their wives, too. (The sex thing doesn't really relate to this story, I just threw that one in as a little note for my husband.)

But back to the comment... I was a little afraid to show my husband what my friend had said, worried that it would hurt his feelings. But the funny this is, he was more afraid of my reaction. "I didn't take offense to it. I was like 'I can't believe she's saying that about you when you're spreading yourself so thin." Little did I know, in his mind, the double standard was actually working in his favor and he was totally digging the role of Super Dad. "When I show up someplace to help out doing something that my wife is expected to do, everyone says how great you are. Who doesn't want that?"

As women, we still fight against the stereotypes perpetuated by society - mostly at the hands of other judgmental moms. Yet the guys don't seem to care, or even notice half the time. Maybe while they continue to step up and assume some of the role women have historically played, we can take a tip or two from their handbook and roll with the punches.

God knows we'd all be much happier.

Jackie Morgan MacDougall, on the never-ending quest for balance, enjoys life in Los Angeles with her husband, Jeff, and their three small kids. Read more of her take on parenting, kids and everything else on The Silver Whining.

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