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In all my free time, I came across a post written by a blogger sharing her frustrations with family dinners. While I subscribe to the "do what's best for your family" theory, the comments in the post were so nasty, so mean, that it reminded me of a time when I too, was the judgmental one.
 
Let me start at the beginning...
 
I was the best mother to ever grace the earth. I made organic baby food from scratch, never lost my patience and could sit for hours giggling, while playing Candy Land with my well-behaved yet energetic little angels. The view of my house was often like the end of Supernanny. You know, the part where the whole family is doing a puzzle or tossing the ball around in the backyard --  lots of smiles, affection and unity. I was the most appreciative and loving mother around.
 
Then I actually had kids.
 
I remember soon after giving birth to my first son, I would hear things come from the mouths of other parents. They were frustrated, tired and frankly, a bit snippy. "Why are they so miserable?" I would ask myself. I didn't understand how people could miss the joys of the day-to-day life with children.
 
Slowly, with each passing year and the arrival of two more kids, I started to get it. Motherhood was often less about being perfect, making homemade snacks with breast milk and constantly engaging their minds and imaginations. Sometimes, it was all I could do to get through the day without locking myself in the closet and cracking open a dusty bottle of Crown Royal left over from a party we threw years prior.
 
 Sure, I sometimes bake cupcakes from scratch and volunteer at the kids' school. But more often, the cupcakes come in a plastic container - and dinner does too. While you may find us playing Candy Land, it's just as likely you see me turning on the video games and cheering the kids on as I finish a work project And all-too-often, I'm the one shooing the kids out the door to "go out and play," losing my patience in public, and wondering if there will ever be a meal without whining. When I think back to those days when I silently judged the rest of them, I realize...those other parents weren't evil, they were me!
 
But how did it happen?
 
Three kids, a freelance career and a husband who works long hours is a start. Groceries, laundry, constant home repairs and errands to run can throw a girl over the edge. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself, wondering how I got here and how to remove the stress-related wrinkles that continue to multiply on my face.
 
The other day, I had a rare moment alone. I stood in a long line at the post office, while the kids were home with Daddy. My mind raced from one responsibility to the next, internally creating a to-do list. A couple of feet behind me, I heard a mother grab her daughter, "Get over here. Now. I said right now. Dakota, get up. GET. UP. RIGHT. NOW.
 
Not 30 seconds later, a father of two joins in a few feet behind her. "Don't do that. Hey, I will give you a spanking right here."
 
Instead of judging them harshly the way I might have five years ago, all I wanted to do was put my hand on their shoulders and say "I understand."
 
Parenthood is the big show. What we say and do can be held against us forever, and decisions we make can alter the way our kids grow up. It's a massive responsibility. Add all the other pressures - spouses, jobs, taking care of the home - and we can become overwhelmed, often taking it out on those closest to us.
 
I wiped a tear from my eye as I drove home from the post office that day. Yes, life can be difficult for all of us. It can wear us down, beat us up, and worry us into sleepless nights. But there's nothing else that makes me feel so alive, so loved and so blessed. And at the end of the day, when those three beautiful children are breathing deeply, their eyes closed and their little faces angelic and pure, I know that even though I'm not perfect, I would do anything to keep them safe and happy - for as long as I live.
 
Now if they would just stop fighting.


Jackie Morgan MacDougall, on the never-ending quest for balance, enjoys life in Los Angeles with her husband, Jeff, and their three small kids. You can find more of her parenting observations on The Silver Whining.