Is Spanking Making a Comeback?

Posted June 25, 2009

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Posted by Jackie Morgan MacDougall on Thursday, June 25, 2009

It was the slap heard 'round the world.

Kate Gosselin, Jon and Kate Plus Eight's hot-headed mama is making news once again, but not for her dissolving marriage, peacock-inspired hairdo or rumored affair with her bodyguard. This time, it's Kate's parenting skills under fire after In Touch Weekly published recent photos of her spanking daughter Leah in public. Where's that bodyguard when you need him, Kate?

But the reality show star, mom to twins and sextuplets, isn't issuing any apologies, instead standing by her choice to spank her child, who reportedly continued blowing a whistle after mom, who was on the phone, instructed her to stop. "Whether the paparazzi are there or not, I am a mother first," Kare told Life and Style. "I love my children, and when they misbehave, I discipline them as I deem appropriate for the situation."

I guess one mom's appropriate is another mom's abuse.

In an informal online poll, I found a few moms who could relate to Kate, understanding how she got to that point -- but not Kathleen. The mom of three argues that hitting a child is nothing short of violent. "How would you like it if your spouse or boss hit you for discipline, or because they were mad? Disciplining a child by pain is barbaric."

If you asked me before having kids if spanking would ever be a disciplinary option, I would've bet my life savings it would never come to that. But after three kids, I can honestly say I feel for another mom who is driven to the edge. Sleep deprivation, stress, screaming kids... it can all become too much, leaving a mom drowning in an overwhelming sea of "what did I get myself into?" Without the right coping skills, feeling out of control can quickly lead to lashing out, whether it be verbally or physically. And for many moms, that behavior is quickly followed by regret, wondering how things got that far.

But I want to know, what keeps one mom in control while another finds herself swatting butts regularly? Do only bad moms spank their children?

Dr. Janice Kinter, an LA-based marriage and family therapist told me it's the same thing as people who choose or don't choose to hit someone in line at the grocery store. "The primitive impulse is to lash out and act on it. It takes more energy to self regulate - feel it, wrestle with it, and choose not do it. A more highly evolved brain is going to stop, take the time and deal with it, using words or different actions.

Does spanking work?
According to Dr. Kinter and pediatrician Dr. Gwenn O'Keefe, YES -- if your goal is to create long-term negative effects.

• Spanking teaches kids if all else fails -- hit.
• It creates a fear response in children with any figure in authority or who might seem threatening.
• It teaches a kid that the world is a scary place and they have no power anywhere.
• It can create an anti-social personality, once a child is used to being hit and they realize they can't do anything about it, they don't care anymore.

Dr. Gwenn adds, "We lead by example. If we want to teach our kids to calm down when they're very frustrated or angry, we have to not spank. It's that simple."

Need help in changing your behavior? Dr. Kinter says the key to stopping yourself from lashing out and spanking is to ask yourself: What is it I'm reacting to? Chances are, you're personalizing the child's behavior, where you feel like their actions are an attack. Remember, the child isn't doing it to you, they're just being themselves.

Your turn: What do you do if you feel an urge to spank your kids? (comment below)

Jackie Morgan MacDougall, on the never-ending quest for balance, enjoys life in Los Angeles with her husband, Jeff, and their three small kids. For more of Jackie's parenting observations, visit The Silver Whining.

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