Setting Up for Success or Holding Your Kid Back?

Posted January 21, 2010

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Posted Thursday January 21, 2010 by Jackie Morgan MacDougall

With every stage of childhood comes a new dilemma. I remember when breastfeeding seemed like the biggest challenge in the world and things like potty training and finding a preschool brought me to my knees. My sisters would giggle as I would pace and stress about whatever stage my kids might be in, thinking "just you wait 'til they're teenagers." Why is it that no one warns you about the seemingly-simple decisions that can keep you up at night, wondering if one wrong move can send your kid into therapy until he's 30.

Our quandary du jour involves our 4-year-old son and the possibility of kindergarten this fall. In our school district, the cutoff date is December 2, his birthday September 26. While he's a bright kid, his tantrums, need for daily naps, and regular desire for cuddles after being scolded make me think this kid needs another year in the safe environment of preschool. While it used to be that parents would automatically send a child if he made the cutoff, parents now often hold a kid back for a variety of reasons, least of which are academic. In asking around, I've gotten a mixed bag of passionate opinions and a little insight into the minds of some parents who will do anything to help their kid succeed.

We held one out of kindergarten due to age - he was two weeks away from the deadline. Why make him struggle forever? It has worked out great for academic reasons. -- Liz

Two of my children started school right after they turned five. My fifth grader has straight A's and our second grader is the top reader in his class. Both are the youngest in the class. Why not enter your child into school when he/she is at the age of five? If they don't do well then have them do a repeat of that year. Our children's success has more to do with the involvement of the parents. -- Heather

While kindergarten readiness tests, school expectations and following your instinct are three suggestions in deciding whether your child is ready, even the experts don't necessarily agree. The National Association for Education of Young Children advises parents to follow age guidelines in their school districts unless there are very unique, extenuating circumstances. That's the opposite recommendation of many educators I've spoken to. In doing my research, I read a wide range of arguments but even many of the articles flip-flopped back and forth with opinions on whether to hold a kid back. Thanks for the help, people! But one thing experts do agree on is that each child is different, and it's best to make the decision based on where they are, with the help of your potential school.

But there are parents like Tim who made the tough decision a couple of years into his child's school years. "When we moved from public to private, we had our middle child repeat 2nd grade. He was a little immature and he would have been 6 months younger than anyone in his new class. It has worked out great. A little weird for him at first, he had to be convinced he wasn't being "held back." Now that he's in 7th, it's not even an issue."

But it doesn't stop in elementary school. One guy - we'll call him Steve -- I talked to revealed that in 7^th grade, his dad made the decision to hold him back in school. His reasoning? It would give him a leg up in competitive sports, potentially paving the way for a full scholarship to the college of his choice. His dad wasn't wrong in that he did in fact receive a full scholarship. But I couldn't help but wonder...

Does holding a kid back help them succeed or just create another thing for them to blame us for later?

Steve's dad isn't the only one to pull that move. Melissa shared something that happened at her kid's school, "There was one high school football player that was supposed to be on Varsity last season, since he was a junior. Well, he knew that he wouldn't START the games as a Varsity player, so he had his parents hold him back a year (so he could repeat his sophomore year) just so he would be able to start for the JV team."

And while that's not the norm in most communities, Melissa shared the complications of a situation more close to home. "My 13-year old son was born in May. His first cousin was born four months later in September. My sister-in-law held him back a year. Now my nephew feels strange/awkward that he is also 13, but one year behind my son in school."

While we're leaning to keeping our little man in preschool for one extra year, I guess this is another one of those parenting dilemmas where there is no right answer. We just cross our fingers and hope they don't hate us later.

Jackie Morgan MacDougall, on the never-ending quest for balance, enjoys life in Los Angeles with her husband, Jeff, and their three small kids. Read more of her take on parenting, kids and everything else on The Silver Whining.

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