Same Parents, Different Parenting?

Posted April 13, 2010

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Posted Tuesday April 13, 2010 by Jackie Morgan MacDougall

My 5 year-old son was obsessed with puzzles at a young age. Being my oldest, I assumed all kids love puzzles and could master them with ease the way he did.

Then I had another kid.

My 4 year-old enjoys a puzzle most when he's tossing it in the air, giggling as all 500 pieces cover the family room floor. If I even try to sit down to put one together with him, he channels his inner Sean Penn, with a tantrum usually reserved for intrusive paparazzi.

My 3 year-old daughter? She tackles a puzzle like a girl after my own heart. She finds rules and guidelines to be a terrible bore, preferring to shove random pieces together, forcing them to become one, no matter how odd the outcome is. Who cares if Buzz Lightyear's head is resting on Sleeping Beauty's castle? If she wants it to fit, gosh darn it, she will make it happen.

It occurred to me recently that the way my kids look at puzzles is also the way they see life, and if I could just pay attention to their puzzle needs, it could also help me in the way I raise them, finding tools that work best for each personality.

But my revelation quickly turned to concern, wondering if using different parenting styles might actually work against me, creating kids who compare notes and one day resent Mom and Dad for not being fair, accusing us of choosing favorites.

I turned to family therapist Stacy Kaiser, author of "How to Be a Grownup," to help minimize the future Thanksgiving Day bad-parenting accusations and give me some tangible tips for raising three unique personalities. "Many of us catch ourselves responding differently to each child and then question ourselves. But children are different, living, breathing beings with different personalities," Kaiser says. "If you tried to parent them exactly the same, it would backfire. The same thing that might work for one kid just doesn't work with another. That's the parenting challenge for those with more than one child."

Renee, mom of twins, agrees that even kids who are born at the same time can't always be parented the same way. Through experience, she's learned that her son responds best to "firm, clear, testosterone-induced parenting," while her daughter "needs simple soft-spoken parenting."

While we should be aware of our children's differences and use their personalities to determine how best to guide them through life, Kaiser says there are three traits we need when parenting any child.

Patience: It's probably the toughest thing to accomplish, but definitely the most effective. Take a deep breath, count to 10, step away for a minute -- just find a way to bring yourself back to center. Not only is it best for them, it's the key to your own sanity. (Now if I could practice what I preach here)

Flexibility: Kaiser says, "We all start out parenting them the same way. But then they develop their personality... and it may change again and again. We have to be flexible and adjust, sometimes tapping into that ability to turn on a dime. The quicker you can adapt to change, the happier the household will be."

Consistency: Whether it's rules to keep them safe, manners at the dinner table or TV time guidelines, every house has its steadfast rules. Keeping them consistent across the board helps. In Renee's house, her kids "all know what the rules are and that they need to be followed or there are consequences. It's in the execution of the consequences that I individualize."

Of course, I say toss in a sense of humor wherever possible and the ability to appreciate the chaos, and you might actually find that you're not just weathering the storm, but actually enjoying it.

Jackie Morgan MacDougall is a TV-executive turned parenting blogger who lives a crazy life with her husband and three small kids. Her dreams of climbing the corporate ladder have been replaced by the dream of one day having a nap. She's also the author of The Silver Whining and Surviving 39.

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