No More Smothering Mothering?

Posted June 04, 2009

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Posted Thursday, June 4, 2009 by Jackie Morgan MacDougall

I remember an era in my life when labels mattered to me. From jeans to shoes to purses, I was the one shuffling through sales racks, browsing online, and even bidding on eBay, desperate to keep up with the latest trends without going broke.

Times have certainly changed since then.

If you told me five years ago that the must-have label du jour couldn't be found in the hottest boutique, but in parenting instead -- I would've laughed at you (and then seriously considered backing out of the whole idea of having kids altogether). But now, parents everywhere are branded by their parenting-style - most of us caught somewhere between "helicopter" and "free range."

The past several years have seen a wave of "perfect parents." They play classical music for their unborn babies, childproof the home until it's more protected than the White House, and revolve their entire lives around their fragile little cherubs. Fortunately for me and millions of other moms, those women who live and breathe solely for the sake of their children are going out of style faster than parachute pants in the '80s. In a recent NY Times article, writer Lisa Belkin highlights a whole movement against those Type A moms, who opt instead for new labels like "slow parenting."

And not only are parents taking a step back from over-scheduling and obsessing over college while little Johnny is still in diapers, they're going so far as to call themselves "bad mommies," not just owning up to their frustrations and inadequacies, but actually celebrating them. If you spend a few minutes reading the countless parenting blogs - because they really are recommended in small doses -- the competition has gone from who's doing it better to a battle for worst-mom status. (Phew, finally a competition I have a chance of actually winning!)

When did moms become this? Labels and competition would have been scoffed at by past generations. I remember growing up as the 11th child in my East Coast family, running around the neighborhood at a young age while my mom sat at the kitchen table drinking Sanka with the mom next door. I don't know exactly what they discussed during those coffee breaks, but I can pretty much guarantee it wasn't their parenting style or who was doing it better. And if anyone came in and even tried to talk to them during their sacred mom time, I think he or she would've gotten a smack across the butt via the closest wooden spoon or been screamed at, "Get out, I just washed that floor!"

There's something nostalgic about the days when moms were just moms, not so caught up in expectations or judgment, instead relying on their own instincts. It was a time when "because I said so" was gospel and "don't make me come back there" was more than an empty threat, it was a promise. It was a time when getting hit with a soccer ball was followed by a "shake it off," and a defiant teen was grounded and not rushed off to therapy.

Through education, conversation and evolution, we've come a long way - but maybe even too far. While I feel lucky to be raising my children during a time filled with support and resources to help me be the best mom I can, I'm even more excited that there's a group of parents also looking to get back to basics, showing kids the reality of life to come by not protecting them from all there is to learn.

Of course we all want to give our kids what we feel we missed out on growing up. But there's something to be said for improving things while keeping the basics intact. I'm not saying you won't see my brood act up in a restaurant. But you're just as likely to see me follow it up by throwing them over my shoulder and walking out the door. Kids need to learn acceptable behavior and expectations at a young age. But if my kids sit in the same restaurant with age-appropriate manners, allowing others to enjoy their meals, they're going to be rewarded - with both lots of praise and the occasional ice cream cone. Because that's how I role (model).

At times I do feel like I'm constantly reprimanding, directing and communicating expectations to my 5-, 3-, and 2-year-old. It leaves me frustrated, sad and often wishing I could be that mom who lets her kids run amok, oblivious to the chaos they're causing -- if only for a few minutes. But I agree with my parents, grandparents, and probably the generations who've gone before them that kids need to learn early on how things work. Unfortunately, for now that requires a ton of bad cop behavior that can really wear me down.

But no matter what parenting style you follow, one thing remains. Kids thrive on consistency, boundaries and love. Throw in as much patience as you can muster, and I think we'll all be just fine.

Because we survived childhood, right?

OK, I want to know: What's your parenting style? Give me an example of how you deal with your kids on a daily basis!

Jackie Morgan MacDougall, on the never-ending quest for balance, enjoys life in Los Angeles with her husband, Jeff, and their three small kids. For more of Jackie's parenting observations, visit The Silver Whining.

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