New Wave of Mr. Moms Shake up Family Dynamics

Posted May 07, 2009

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More dads are losing jobs but gaining time with their kids.

Posted May 6, 2009 by Jackie Morgan MacDougall

It's like they're modern day superheroes. You may spot them in the carpool lane, see them strolling aisles at the grocery store, and even witness them pushing a kid or two on the swings at the playground. Dads everywhere are discovering the joys and challenges of everyday life with kids at home.

The recession has kicked the collective butts of families across the country. But did you know 80% of those who've lost their jobs are men? That fact is creating a new dynamic at home, one where dad gets more involved with the household and mom focuses on bringing home the bacon.

A recent article in The New York Times features this latest boys club, complete with secret handshakes and male bonding. Finding solace in each other, they're making the most of a tough situation, trying to do the best they can while not going mad. (sounds like motherhood, doesn't it?)

Dads who would otherwise show up after dinner and work all weekend, missing activities, homework and the never-ending questions of curious kids, are now discovering their children, creating a bond they never knew could exist. Research coming out of the recession of 1981 showed that men who spend time with their children while unemployed tended to make family time a greater priority when they do go back to work. If there ever was a recession silver lining, they've found it.

But it's not all chicken nuggets and Play-Doh. The recent role reversal in some households has caused more than financial damage. Women, forced to pick up the slack, are working longer hours -- missing out on some of the day-to-day they're used to participating in -- leaving them angry, resentful and detached from their spouse. And that's anything but good for a marriage or the kids.

On a recent morning show appearance, one mom pulled no punches, airing her family's dirty laundry (which is now being washed daily by her out-of-work husband). "I don't like to come home and see him in my apron."

I've got your back there, friend. No one needs to see their man in their apron (unless you're into that sort of thing).

It does make perfect sense why women can be angered by the new dynamics. Most of us have been raised with a certain view on how family life should go. And come on, no matter how great Dad is, he's not you. Letting go of all of the things mom has worked so hard at establishing at home is a difficult thing to do. Working harder at keeping the family afloat takes mom away from the kids, forcing her to miss things that are important to her. And can't you just picture that collective gasp when he stands-in at the PTA meeting - not realizing the delicate politics that come with dozens of opinionated mamas - and sitting so-and-so next to you-know-who? The travesty!

The shift in family roles is something Los Angeles psychotherapist Janice Kinter sees often in her practice. She says it's important not to look at it like a life sentence. "It may not change this week - or even next - but it will. This is all temporary."

My word of advice: try to enjoy it for the time being. Drinking coffee without kids climbing all over you is a luxury to be enjoyed, if even for a short while.

Jackie Morgan MacDougall, on the never-ending quest for balance, enjoys life in Los Angeles with her husband, Jeff, and their three small kids.

Related articles on Family.com:

Making Change Work: Husbands and Wives in Stay-At-Home-Dad Families

Stay-at-Home Dads Get Their Due

Benefits of an All-Dad Playgroup

Dad on a Lark Blog: Chronicles of a Stay-at-Home Dad

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New Wave of Mr. Moms Shake up Family Dynamics

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