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Posted Tuesday August 26, 2010 by Jackie Morgan MacDougall

You may have seen me this morning but didn't even notice. I was behind you in line at the local coffee shop, hiding my unwashed hair behind a baseball cap and sporting yoga pants, even though I haven't actually attended a yoga class in three years. You glanced in my direction once, gave me a quick once over and an apathetic look, writing me off as just another mini-van-driving mom from the suburbs. You may have even wondered what it is I do with my days, after dropping one off at first grade and the other two at preschool.

Well, I write things like this.

I was once like you, working hard, enjoying life, and use words like "someday" when the subject of kids comes up. Maybe you're even moving in that direction right now, secretly peeing on a stick with your fingers crossed every month. Whether it's in the immediate future or part of your ten-year plan, the second you discover that you're expecting -- biologically or otherwise -- you should also expect everyone and their mother to come out of the woodwork with lots of "helpful" advice, scurrying across your life like an intrusion of opinionated cockroaches.

But don't fool yourself, they won't tell you everything. Because parenting is like Fight Club, lots of insomnia and even more secrecy. But I'm here for you, future moms of the world, and ready to share the stuff others won't. So print this up, bookmark the page or share with your other future-mom friends... just keep it handy because "someday" will arrive sooner than you think.

11 Things They Won't Tell You about Parenthood

1. Pregnancy doesn't stop the world Expecting your first child is possibly the most exciting, terrifying, awe-inspiring, confusing, life-changing thing that will happen to you -- EVER. So the world should stop to celebrate your tiny miracle, right? WRONG. It's important for you to know now that your boss has deadlines whether you're vomiting or not, your sister's man troubles will probably still trump your ultrasound pictures and your best friend will actually tell you off if you mention crib bedding one more time, even if you did find the discontinued comforter with matching shams and bedskirt.

I promise it will be ok! My advice: Find other people like you. Whether you seek out pregnancy/mom groups locally, attach yourself at the hip to another woman in Lamaze class or find one of the gazillion social networks, blogs and message boards packed with moms-to-be, you need to be around your own peeps so you can bring something other than baby talk to your other relationships. Plus, you won't believe how fast your interests change the second you're past a particular stage. The idea of discussing breastfeeding is just ridiculous when you're in the potty training stage! You'll want to talk to people in the same rocky boat.

2. Never say never If I had a nickel for every time a woman said "I'll never cut my hair / drive a minivan / yell at my kids," etc. and then found herself doing just that, let's just say I certainly wouldn't be spending this weekend labeling clothes for a kids' consignment sale (which was also on my "never" list). And while you may be the best mom before actually having kids, it's likely you, too, will lose your patience right there in the middle of the produce department after hearing "please Mom, please, please, Mom, Mommy, please, can I, please, Mom, Mama, Mommy, please, can I, please?"

Speaking of never, Robyn says the one thing no one told her: "That I would never sleep AGAIN! Even when they sleep, still can't sleep good!"

3. You've never felt heartbreak like this Sure, you were devastated when your boyfriend dumped you for your roommate after dating for three years. We've all been there (or somewhere like it) and it seriously sucks. But no one can prepare you for the emotional anguish that is parenting. Whether it's while rocking your terrified toddler in the hospital ER, comforting a second grader teased on the school yard or watching your tween grapple with peer pressure, seeing your child suffer is something a parent never gets used to. Melissa agrees, saying the one thing she never realized about parenting was "how much it would hurt at times, especially when they are older. You never believe it can or will be that hard on you emotionally and mentally, but then it is.. and worse. It hits you like a brick wall and you are never the same."

On the flip side...

4. You've never felt love quite like this The question of whether you'd throw yourself in front of a bus to save your kids is not even a question. My entire existence is wrapped around keeping my children safe, happy and feeling loved. Donna describes it perfectly. "The depth of commitment, willingness to protect, desire to nurture, joy in a smile or other accomplishment, how connected your happiness is to theirs...all of that and more. Parenting is a constant path of learning and growing...together."

And most of us had no idea that we can shower our kids with that love without spending a dime. Even Dr Gwenn O'Keeffe has learned through her own parenting "that time is all they actually want from us."

5. Motherhood is like high school The first time you're in Mommy and Me and an overly-interested mom asks, "is she walking yet?"... RUN. She will make you question yourself, wonder if all other moms are out to get you, and constantly compare her perfect child to your "underachiever." And it won't end there, THAT mom will follow you for life, throwing you under the bus for a shot at PTA president, and raise heck when her precious child loses the lead in the school play. You'll be tempted to show her who's boss but... don't. It's not worth the headache.

6. It's the "ordinary" day that's the true holiday I discovered pretty quickly that special occasions with kids are overrated and we need to lower the expectations. Sure, we have a fantasy of what it will be like but those dreams are quickly replaced with reality when your kid wakes up on his first birthday with a fever of 103 or your daughter tells Santa and everyone else within earshot that all she wants for Christmas is mommy to play with her instead of working all the time. Listening to your kids belly laugh while lying in their beds, getting an unexpected compliment about your often-cranky teen's manners at school, or watching your child accomplish something they thought they couldn't... the true magical moments happen when you least expect them.

7. Fashion takes on a whole new meaning Let's just say wearing preschool-made necklaces and slapping Hello Kitty bandaids on your blisters aren't out of the realm of possibility. When you find yourself using your daughter's play lipgloss in a pinch, it's not pathetic... it's a rite of passage.

8. You may very well regret it I remember hearing Dr. Phil announce one time that like 90-something percent of parent polled had wished (at least once) they didn't have kids. I was mortified. I am no longer mortified. Plenty of parents I know have dreamed of a life sans-children or considered driving away and never coming back, but of course they don't actually do it. It's ok to fantasize on occasion. In fact, I've been known to take coconut-smelling sunscreen and close my eyes, and just for a minute I'm on a beach far, far away.

And if you think seeing a carbon copy of yourself every day is a dream come true? Tim says be careful what you wish for. Nobody told him "our kids will have all of your worst traits times ten. It's your parent's revenge."

9. Your body is a wonderland Whether you were the hottest girl in high school or never really felt good in your own skin, motherhood has been known to change some attitudes. Before kids, I wouldn't wear shorts because I hated my knees, and would change my clothes 500 times before going to the mailbox. After having two babies squeezed out of my body like the end of a toothpaste tube, I now pretty darn good if I pulled out the makeup and I'm actually wearing something considered in style. I wear a bathing suit at the beach and workout because it makes me feel good, not because I'm trying to impress strangers.

10. Your best friend won't necessarily be your best friend Sure, we have some that carry over into parenthood with us. But you should also expect that there are a few friends who have no interest in baby talk, terrible twos stories or sharing phone call time with squabbling siblings. If your BFF requires a daily checkin, she'll be less than impressed with your new life.

11. Sometimes you just got to let go We can be the most involved, active parents and we have to remember that our kids are people with their own minds and plans. For Cheri, she's actually just discovering that over-thinking it all doesn't help. "I wish someone had told me not to worry so much! My 19 year-old gave me many worrisome sleepless nights, and now he's on his own and doing just fine-- wish I had known it would all turn out okay! And I think most kids DO turn out okay, if you just love them and enjoy them."

While this may not interest you now, trust me when I say one day it will. Until then, enjoy spending too much time worrying about what shoes to pack on vacation with your new dress and how to fill your wide-open weekend. Because one day soon you'll find it hard to remember any of that even existed.

Until "someday,"


Jackie



Jackie Morgan MacDougall is a TV-executive turned parenting blogger who lives a crazy life with her husband and three small kids. Her dreams of climbing the corporate ladder have been replaced by the dream of one day having a nap.

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