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Every February, May and September, a situation presents itself which forces me to answer a very complicated question.

What should I do for my kid's birthday?

Seems like a pretty simple dilemma. Unless you're a mom. Then it becomes like the onion of parenting decisions, each time a choice is made, there's another deeper, stinkier, tear-inducing layer. Party of no party? At home or a kid-requested location? The whole class or close friends? If left unchecked, the whole event can turn into something more stressful and expensive than even our wedding. And I have three kids!

Not to mention I live in the LA area - LOS ANGELES, people. It shouldn't be called the city of angels. It's more like the city of women who judge, one-up and torture each other with parenting competitions that make the Ultimate Fighting Championship look like child's play. Do you have any idea what kinds of parties are thrown in this neck of the woods? I have a friend who went to a joint circus-themed b-day party for two sisters, 3 and 5. "The father was decked out as ringmaster and the mother was dressed as a circus showgirl, complete with fishnets and black feather headdress," she told me. "There were five different food vendors (serving chicken nuggets, French fries, grilled cheese, popcorn and corn dogs), a salad and fruit bar, cotton candy station, a bartender, two jumpies, a face painter, clowns, and a balloon-animal artist."

And here I serve pizza from Costco.

My friend went on to add, "But the highlight of the event was definitely the elephant rides. YES, ELEPHANT RIDES! There was even a circus show, where the elephant bowed, curtsied, and played harmonica."

So what? I got an ICE CREAM CAKE. With like, REAL ice cream.

"There was a 4-tier birthday cake decorated like a big top--more lavish than most wedding cakes," my friend added.  "And the goody bag was insane!"

Why do some people go so far over the (big) top? Family therapist Stacy Kaiser says it's often because of our own securities. "We try to keep up with the Joneses and please our kids at the same time. We have this idea that our child will be disappointed if the celebration is at home playing pin the tail on the donkey. But the real problem is, how are you going to top yourself next time? These parties put unnecessary pressure on mom and. takes the fun out of the whole thing."

A few weeks ago while considering my son's birthday, I decided to try a little experiment, doing something unheard of in the world of lavish birthday parties - I carefully considered my child. My four-year-old is not a huge fan of crowds, and shrieking kids just freak him out. So when I really thought about who he is and what he'd like, it led me to one place...

The baseball field.

We invited the grandparents, the only aunt and uncle who are relatively local, and close family-friends, totaling 13 people, including our five. We pulled together gloves, bats, balls and a tee and had a fantastic time for ourselves, playing baseball for 45 minutes or so. Then, the local pizza place delivered and we chowed down before I plopped four candles in a churro - my kid hates cake - and we all sang to the guest of honor.

I can't even describe the look on my son's face during his party. He was totally in his element, looking around at the people who love him most, doing the activity he loves most. For me, it was one of those rare moments when I felt "yeah, I got this right."

The key to my good-mom moment was considering four important points.

1.    My kid. Each of my children has his/her own personality, likes and melting points. What one child might think is the best thing in the world, it would disappoint another child . It's important to communicate the idea well before the event, allowing them to share in the planning.
2.    Money. I know, we all want the best for our kids. But if throwing a party forces you to work overtime for three weeks, is it really worth it? Kids want us to be present more than get presents.
3.    Next year. I made the mistake the first couple of years of going a bit crazy with party locations, themes or gift bags. Now I try to keep it to a minimum, knowing that next year has to live up to the hype of this year.
4.    Other kids. If you have multiple kids, you know how hard it is to keep everything equal at all times. If a kid can freak out over getting less milk in his cup, you know he'll notice when the birthday doesn't measure up.

While my son's celebration may not be the right thing for your child, what's most important is that you consider the person you're celebrating. Kids don't need enormous events with a class-full of kids they hardly know outside of school. They want to feel special and honored... just like the rest of us.


Jackie Morgan MacDougall, on the never-ending quest for balance, enjoys life in Los Angeles with her husband, Jeff, and their three small kids. Read more of her take on parenting, kids and everything else on The Silver Whining.

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