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Posted on Thursday, October 15 by Jackie Morgan MacDougall

Just picture it, Massachusetts in October; autumn foliage, outdoor fairs, and hot apple cider on the hayride... it's a magical time. So when we discovered my kindergartner would be getting a week off for fall break (something I had never heard of - ever), we jumped at the chance to head back east to see my family, smack-dab-in-the-middle of New England's fall glory.

But the bonding family experience we had in our heads remained a fantasy. In its place, reality set in - hard. Before the plane was even cleaned of empty wrappers and the drool wiped from those oh-so-healthy recycled pillows and blankets, our perfect trip began to unravel.

The weather back east was dark, cold and stormy, our 4-year-old's allergies kicked in -- requiring immediate asthma meds -- and the room we booked (AKA my sister's finished basement) was a little less Four Seasons and more like one season - dead of winter.

I shivered myself to sleep each night, the only warmth coming from one of the three kids smacking me in the face or digging their feet into my back as we squeezed onto a blow-up mattress. The thought that my husband - who when not on vacation works until the wee hours of the morning - and I would actually get into the same bed each night couldn't have been further from what happened.

And it only got worse.

Our little guy's asthma turned into pneumonia in a matter of hours. A trip to the ER landed in him an ambulance, transported to Boston's Children's Hospital. We sat by his bed for four long days, confined to his room until blood tests and cultures came back to clear him of anything dangerous and contagious.

It was during all of my free time in the hospital that I started thinking that this wasn't the first time my expectations weren't even in the same ballpark as reality. In fact, I think I constantly set myself up to fail, probably since that very first Christmas photo when my new beautifully-dressed baby screamed his head off and I sat ever-so strategically, trying to hide the sweet potato stain my little angel left on my right breast.

I could write about countless vacations that were anything but relaxing, holidays that were a far cry from that Norman Rockwell image in our heads, and school affairs that ended up with me removing my son's clothes and wrapping him in a blanket after he had an accident DURING his holiday show - and I'm talking a messy one.

 There have been more occasions than I care to remember that have ended with me in tears, wishing that - just once - it lived up to the hype I had created. It was like the need for perfection arrived as my first child exited my womb - the moment I became a mom.

But am I the only one?

Fortunately for me, misery (and perfection) love company. Family therapist Stacy Kaiser assures me I'm not alone. But what is unique is that moms today are pioneers of the beat-yourself-up-for-not-being-perfect world. "We were the first generation to be told 'you can do anything -- you can work, you can be a mom'. Here we are getting the message that we can do it all, but no one showed us how. As moms, we feel the pressure to juggle it all.

But before you beat yourself up about it, I've got good news -- it's really your BFF's fault. OK, I kid, but it's no secret we sometimes add extra pressure on ourselves, trying to keep up with Perfect Patty or Altogether Annie. "Everyone has a super friend, someone who seems to pull it all off without a hair out of place. We think 'she can, so I should be able to' and it just sets us up for failure," Kaiser says. "We want to achieve the fantasy we created in our mind and we will do whatever it takes to do that."

But you don't have to succumb to it. There are 3 ways you can minimize - if not totally eliminate - the stress of being (and doing) it all.

1. Plan ahead: Try to organize the plan well in advance. Flying by the seat of your pants is pretty much a guarantee you'll crash.

2. Know your priorities and limitations: If you have a task or responsibility that's not on the priority list and/or you know you're not capable of following through -- dump it! Or, at the very least, give yourself extra time or help to pull it off.

3. Ask for HELP: That's a common trait among moms -- and women in general. We just don't know when to admit we need help. Try it. You'll be surprised at how much easier it makes life. Determine what things really need to be done by you, and do them. The rest, just let it go.

Good tips to live by. And if they're going to keep me from channeling my inner Linda Blair and keep my hubby and kids happy, I'm in.

Jackie Morgan MacDougall, on the never-ending quest for balance, enjoys life in Los Angeles with her husband, Jeff, and their three small kids. Read more of her take on parenting, kids and everything else on The Silver Whining.

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