Moms Take Back Their Lives: 5 Signs You’re Too Involved

Posted December 06, 2010

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Posted Monday December 6, 2010 by Jackie Morgan MacDougall

While parents filed in to the first grade classroom and squeezed their cabooses into the undersized seats, I bolted over to the sign up sheet. It was Back to School night and I was determined to win the coveted role of Room Mom. You would've thought the position came with 401k and a company vehicle the way I pushed through the crowd to get my name on the list.

A few days later, I got an email informing me that I wasn't, in fact, chosen as class queen and that another mom would be managing volunteer hours, planning parties and raising funds for activities.

I was annoyed for about ten seconds before a massive sigh of relief swept over me.

Why did I want to serve as Room Mom? I told myself that my reasons were all about my son. With budget cuts increasing the class size and making it hard for just one teacher to do it all, I wanted to be there to support her, my son and his classmates.

But let's be honest here, I also wanted direct access, the inside scoop and consistent communication with his teacher. If I was going to be involved, I didn't want to answer to another mom -- I wanted to be in control. But that need to be in the driver's seat almost completely highjacked my life! Am I insane? Why would I add another commitment to my already full schedule? I spend ten hours a month in my kids' classrooms, 14 hours a week with tutors for my son with autism, bowling, gymnastics, managing the household... oh, and how about that little responsibility we call WORK? It's one thing to pull an all-nighter because I totally forgot to make double fudge brownies for the bake sale, but it's another to subject myself to 2 a.m. spread sheets on purpose.

Seems I'm not the only one re-thinking the whole super mom deal. A recent article in the NY Times called Frazzled Moms Push Back Against Volunteering featured moms who found the courage to say "NO!" after years of taking it all on.

5 Signs You Need to Cut Back

You spend money you don't have on sitters
You spend more time doing "for the kids" than you actually do "seeing the kids"
Your marriage is neglected because you're never home at night (see: Do Good Moms Make Bad Wives)
You have assigned yourself your own parking spot at the school
You find yourself in the class picture

I asked a few very involved moms why they volunteer so much (planning carnivals, running committees and leading fundraising efforts). Almost unanimously, I heard "because no one else will." Oddly enough, I asked some less "involved" moms for their thoughts and heard, "because those moms make impossible to get in." That certainly didn't surprise Psychotherapist Stacy Kaiser who pointed out that these moms are the same girls from high school, often using their kids as a means to popularity. "Often, a mom volunteers a lot of her time because she doesn't want to be left out. She wants to know the teacher... the principal -- she wants to be a favorite."

Isn't that what I was trying to do?

But being a mom herself, Kaiser says it's not all ego that drives us overboard, sometimes it's the intense need to give our kids everything possible to provide a positive childhood for our children. " We want to feel like we're doing everything we can for our kids. We just have to find the right balance where we also think of ourselves and address our own needs."

But what does that mean? Since learning how to say no, some of the moms in the NY Times article now actually spend time on themselves while also getting the change to enjoy activities with their kids instead of planning them, playing Wii and reading together. Wait a second, I'm allowed to stop and read or watch a movie with the kids or take 'em down playing a little Wii? Am I the only one guilty of forgetting that being a good mom actually means spending time with the kids, doing the things they love to do?

If you promise not to tell anyone, I'll go so far and admit that I don't totally love volunteering. The idea of cutting and gluing 26 snowmen together actually makes me more anxious than anything (they never have any extras in case I screw up!). But the look on my kids' faces when I walk into the classroom is why I do it. And I'm pretty confident that in the next several years, I will most likely take a position on the PTA -- our schools need leaders to help keep programs going.

But I vow to not take on so much that I can't stop and enjoy the here and now. Not only by picking and choosing my ~~battles~~ projects, but prioritizing our time when it comes to birthday parties, playdates and the endless sea of extracurricular activities.

Now who wants to volunteer to help me stick to that?

Jackie Morgan MacDougall is a TV-executive turned parenting blogger who lives a crazy life with her husband and three small kids. Her dreams of climbing the corporate ladder have been replaced by the dream of one day having a nap. You can find more of her musings at The Silver Whining.

Related Articles on Family.com:

Should Moms Be Selfish?

I'm Sorry: You Need to Stop

5 Ways We're Robbing Our Kids of Childhood

My Open Letter to Kid-Free Chicks

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