Making Mother-Daughter Relationships Work

Posted July 30, 2009

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Posted Thursday, July 30, 2009 by Jackie Morgan MacDougall

You know those people who live and breathe all things celebrity? Yeah, that's not me. I'll admit to checking out the headlines on gossip mags while at the grocery store, but that's where it ends. Frankly, I would rather live my life than read about theirs.

But when I saw the open letter that Candy Spelling wrote to daughter Tori via celeb gossip site TMZ, I couldn't help myself from reading it. It's like a train wreck creating another massive train wreck, horribly tragic but you're just so disturbed you can't look away. I would link here to the article, but frankly, I don't want to give either one of them any more attention. Isn't that what they're looking for?

It's not that I care what happens between these two. They can go on tearing each other apart between plastic surgery appointments and Rodeo Drive shopping sprees. It's just that reading their negative jabs at each other brings up so many feelings and fears for me about mother/daughter relationships -- a topic that's grown more important to me since the arrival of my daughter 11 months ago.

Although she's adopted, I recognize myself in my daughter's bold, independent spirit. From her demand to wear what she wants and not what I put out for, her to her fascination with touching everything she sees, we share a curiosity for life. But what's interesting is that those are the very same qualities that drive me nuts! Maybe it's when moms like me see something we recognize in them, we start thinking we're exactly alike. And that's when we start to assume our little girls will do things the way we did, leading to frustration on both ends. I constantly have to remind myself that my kids are their own people and don't necessarily follow my playbook, especially my spark plug of a little girl.

I've noticed more women around me dissatisfied with the state of their relationship with either mom or daughter, some going so far as to describe it as toxic, disappointing, and frustrating. Even those with good relations with mom used powerful descriptors when thinking of their bond, calling it unique, inspired, special and unbreakable.

No matter how you see it, it's often extreme - plain and simple. Family therapist Stacy Kaiser says the strong emotional connection starts right away. "You are literally connected to your mother at the very beginning. How does she think? How does she feel? Even when its good, when you're that connected to someone, it's intense."

And if it's not good?

"If the relationship is bad, it's like having all the horrible things they think and feel coursing through your veins because you're so connected. I have clients where I actually work with them on detaching because the emotional connection is so powerful," Kaiser says.

But how does it get so bad?

Kaiser explains for some moms, they're not able to handle the feeling of rejection from a daughter with her own thoughts and opinions. "I was your mother. You've pulled away and hurt me, now I'm going to punish you. Who knows your hot spots more than your mom?"

As moms, how do we keep ourselves from sliding down that slippery slope, letting our own baggage take over?

Kaiser says it's important to parent consciously, something our own mothers weren't necessarily encouraged to do. Being aware of how you communicate with your daughter, treating her with patience, empathy and understanding while she's young could make all the difference in the later years.

"You only have two shots at the mother/daughter relationship. As mom, you know how to be what you learned as daughter -- people learn what they live. You have one more chance to work on something that may have gone wrong the first time. Once you recognize it, you have the opportunity to fix it."

This is one shot I refuse to miss.

Jackie Morgan MacDougall, on the never-ending quest for balance, enjoys life in Los Angeles with her husband, Jeff, and their three small kids. For more of her parenting observations, visit The Silver Whining.

Related articles on Family.com:

Create a Mother/Daughter Journal

Building Confidence in Teenage Girls

In Search of the Perfect Mother

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