Is There a Bit of Octomom in Every Mom?

Posted February 26, 2009

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What are the dangers of having kids for the wrong reasons? (Photo courtesy of AP)

Posted Thursday, Feb. 26 by Jackie Morgan MacDougall

Ask any mom what motivated her to have a baby and somewhere in her answer, she'll probably bring up her own childhood.

Because really, don't we all want to give our own kids the very things we lacked growing up? Whether it's a better education, financial stability or more quality time, it seems at one time or another, we've all muttered the thought, "I am not going to put my kids through that."

But there's a fine line between wanting the best for your bundle of joy and trying to fill a void.

Mom of octuplets Nadya Suleman -- single, broke and now the mother of 14-under-7 -- told NBC that her obsession with babies and her desire to become a mom stemmed from longing "for certain connections and attachments with another person that I really lacked, I believe, growing up."

Her doting dad, grandpa Ed Doud, disagrees. So much so he appeared on Oprah this week to talk about his daughter's mental stability and defend his own parenting.

"We gave her so much love," Doud said. "No child has so much love. I thought what she meant is because she is the only child. I'm sure that's what she meant. She really wanted a brother or sister."

Oh yes, I'm sure that's exactly what she meant, Ed. Because a child raised by parents who sell her out on national TV couldn't possibly have lacked any emotional stability from mom and dad. At least Mom defended her daughter at one moment, telling The Early Show, "She's a good mom. She had a good example."

I'll pause here so you can have a good laugh at that.

But back to the point.

Women have been getting pregnant to fill a void since the beginning of time - or at least the beginning of daytime television. Whether it's the urgent desire for baby number one or that relentless yearning to add to the family -- a friend recently used the term "an heir and a spare" as her reason for trying for number two - there are several warning signs your feelings could be way off.

Psychotherapist and mother of three Shannon Fox says, "Our reasons to have a child range from purely selfish ("I want someone to love me unconditionally") to truly giving ("I've adopted this child to give her a better life"). Most mothers fall somewhere along the middle of the spectrum with various desires --- from wanting to redo a bad childhood to wanting to share the love they feel for their spouse. The closer to the selfish end of the spectrum you get, however, the worse for the child and the parent. The parent who believes that a child will fulfill their needs to be loved is in for a rude awakening when that baby grows up and begins to act independently."

Of course, Nadya Suleman is clearly on one side of the spectrum. But what is the most dangerous factor in having a child for the wrong reasons?

"When a person has a child in order to meet their own needs, they are setting the child up to feel like a constant disappointment to the parent," Fox adds. "Children take and parents give. That's how it's supposed to be. If you get a thank you, that's great, but it's not a requirement of childhood to be grateful for the sacrifices your parent makes for you. Parenthood is an act of giving. The receiving comes from the joy of seeing your child discover her world, learn to step out on his own, develop her gifts and talents."

So before you add to your clan or encourage a friend to "go for it," really think about the reasons behind that need to breed.

Fox says there are red flags and you should hold off on pregnancy and give a therapist a call if your reasons include:
• To keep a relationship together
• To feel loved
• Because a baby can't leave you
• You like that new baby smell
• You need to feel needed
• To try to make up for your unresolved childhood issues

Heed this advice and you could save yourself, an innocent child, and the rest of society years of unnecessary pain.

Jackie Morgan MacDougall, on the never-ending quest for balance, enjoys life in Los Angeles with her husband, Jeff, and their three small kids.

Related articles about expanding your family on Family.com:

Are You Ready for Another Baby?

How to Have One More Baby...Not Eight!

One and Done?

Your turn: Why did you decide to have kids? (comment below)

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