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When was your last date night? (Photo courtesy of Getty Images)

Posted Thursday, Feb. 19 by Tommi Lewis Tilden

"Half a century ago, the conventional wisdom was that having a child was the surest way to build a happy marriage," begins a recent New York Times article. That's because back then parents believed children should be seen and not heard. Somehow, over the last couple of decades, kids have figured out a way to make it all about them. Now we bend over backwards and do everything for our little wonders, many times at the expense of our marriages.

For instance, last week, I woke my 12-year-old son for school and asked him to make his bed, pick up his socks and underwear, take empty glasses into the kitchen, collect papers that missed the trash can, and feed the fish...just like I've requested every day for the past two years. Robert, now awake and sitting at his computer, ever-present guitar in hand, grunted an unintelligible response.

I tried again. "I'd appreciate some help here." Minutes of complete silence followed as I waited and fumed, and the fish stared hungrily from their bowl. Finally, my little pre-teen arose ever so s-l-o-w-l-y, continued plucking at his guitar and blankly asked, "What exactly do you want me to do again?"

I snapped and lost my cool, threatened to never make his bed again, or dust his room, or pick up anything that's his...and then reminded him that nothing really is his because he lives in my house. He reacted with annoyed head shaking and eye rolling, which made me want to take away everything he-owns-but-doesn't-really.

Enter: my husband, Peter. Still irate, I explained my tirade, a bit over-emotionally and a little too loudly. Robert defended his position, "Hey, I agreed to help, so what's the problem?" Peter, with too little information and craving peace and quiet, tried to mediate, but it felt like he was parenting me more than supporting me. So I left the room remembering that Peter has never made a bed, either.

For the rest of that day the three of us barely spoke, until dinner, when we finally discussed why our small episode ballooned into loud words and hard feelings. We vowed to make changes: I promised to try and control my yelling. Robert agreed to be more responsive and helpful (if not, he'll lose guitar/computer privileges). And in the future, Peter would attempt to sneak out of the house undetected as soon as he hears an uprising, but if caught, "mediate" by not undermining my role. A fragile harmony ensued, at least for the next 12 hours. This is what being married with children is all about.

Many child development experts figure the mother-father chasm results when one parent insists there is a "right" way to parent. "If one is reading parenting books, getting advice from friends, TV shows and tons of information online," explains L.A.-based parenting coach Sandy Brainard. "It traps the other parent into believing that they just don't get it."

Brainard says moms often edge dads out, especially in the child's early years. "I hear mothers speak of fathers as misinformed, rather than loving, committed and available," she says, stressing that not enough value is placed in the father/child bonding at an early stage. "I try and learn from my husband. When it's an area I know he's better at, I will stand back and take notes."

"Over the past two decades, many researchers have concluded that three's a crowd when it comes to marital satisfaction," states the aforementioned NY Times article. "Marital quality drops, often quite steeply, after the transition to parenthood." Turns out that happy times with your mate are in short supply until children leave home.

So how do you achieve harmony in the meantime? For starters, make couple time a priority. Your kids might actually thank you. "Parents today spend much more time with their children than they did 40 years ago," the article points out.

Even more surprising, "these increases occurred even as more mothers entered the labor force." Can anyone spell g-u-i-l-t? Here's a newsflash: According to author Ellen Galinsky from the Families and Work Institute, most children don't want to spend as much time with their parents as parents assume; they just want their parents to be more relaxed when they are together.

Let me get this straight: I feel regretful when I'm not with my kid every available minute, but he doesn't really want to spend that much time with me anyway. So...I'll force myself to pull back and use that extra time to cuddle with my husband and scratch his head until he falls asleep. This should please my husband, and my son will thrive because he has time away from me. I know I'll be happy because I'm no longer making their beds. And if they have a problem with that, I won't make breakfast, either. I'll just explain that it gives me more time to relax and feel good about myself.

I think we've all learned something here.

Your Turn: How do you and your spouse handle conflicts with kids at home?

Related articles about balancing kids and partners on Family.com:

Did We Forget Something?

Surviving Marriage with Kids

Make Your Marriage Sizzle

Rejuvenate with Date Night